The mystery of love is that it gives us life, but it can also throw us into a pit of pain in nanoseconds.That’s exactly why we need to stop and take a hard look at how we do it. Giving love well takes a lot of work and receiving it is even harder for most of us.

We mess up love with our expectations. Let’s face it, Moms: early on in our kids lives we lay out our hopes and dreams on them. Here’s the problem: those dreams and hopes are based not on who our sons and daughters are, but who we are.  While we say that we’ll let our kids be who they want to be and love them unconditionally, none of us mothers can actually do that.

Now, apply this same thought to your relationship with your spouse and the expectations that you’re bringing to that relationship.  We are only disappointed when the relationships in our lives don’t live up to the expectations we have for them. So, the problem isn’t really our disappointment; the problem is our expectations.

CHALLENGE:

Cut the list of expectations you have for the people in your life in half.  Focus on the big stuff and let the small stuff go. Mothers can be much happier if we learn to dismiss character flaws, sullen attitudes, or temper tantrums and focus on the goodness in loved ones.

Doing so doesn’t mean that we are blind; it is quite the opposite. It means that we are willing to see the faults and frailties of our loved ones but appreciate and love them anyway. This is gritty, deeper love, the kind that brings great joy not only to our loved one, but to us as well. Love that requires us to say things that are right and good, to extend comfort and forgiveness to a loved one when he doesn’t deserve it, or refuse to give up trying, is the kind that truly makes life worth living.

When she goes to kindergarten, she will think about you and she might even talk about you. If another classmate makes a hurtful remark, your daughter will boast to the bully that he’d better be careful because you, her hero, will come over to his house and beat him up. To her, you can do anything, and most especially, you can protect her.

In elementary school, her challenges and her world expand, but her question for you will be the same: “Daddy are you still there for me?” When she is thirteen and wearing lipstick, or fifteen and competing in a spelling contest, or seventeen and living at a friend’s house because she can’t stand you, one question alone will haunt her: “Daddy, are you there for me?” She needs to know that the answer is always yes. The more you leave her wondering, the harder she will push for an answer–and she might go to extremes to force it from you.

And when she has her first child, or is diagnosed with breast cancer at thirty, or her husband walks out on her and her kids, the question will remain: “Dad, please, Dad, are you there?”

If she knows you are there, dependable and full of love for her, you will have taught her this great lesson. Life is good. Good men help make it so.

Why did he shoot it? He was fed up with his daughter’s sense that he owed her more than he had already given her and with her complaining about doing chores.

Any parent understands this Dad’s frustration. In a world where we parents feel that we must give our kids thousands of dollars worth of electronics: cell phones. laptops, ipads, ipods, video games, etc., and then pay to keep all of these things running, it’s no wonder that we feel used. We give until it hurts and then get our feelings hurt when our kids fail to
appreciate our efforts.

I see this Dad’s frustration daily on the faces of the parents in my office. But I see the problem differently. I think that we are the fools. When did we begin to feel that we owe our kids these things?

I see fourth graders with cell phones and second graders with laptops. Are you kidding?
Who’s thinking is skewed in these scenarios?

Parents- reign it in. How can we expect our kids *not* to feel entitled when we pour this stuff on them? We train them to believe that our job is to keep the toys coming and then we get mad when they fail to appreciate us.

Here’s a pretty simple, but hard solution for parents to keep their kids from turning into beasts. If a child wants a cell phone, he can earn it but only after he’s 15. And the laptop? No highschool kid needs one. Teen boys alone in their bedrooms with a laptop is a recipe for trouble with a capital “T.”

Cut the cords parents, literally, and I can guarantee that life with your kids will be a whole lot sweeter.

Now, I want to know: What was your reaction to the video? 

I know Moms that tell me they haven’t been able to use the bathroom alone in years.  Even if they shut the door, those little fingers are underneath the door, begging to get in.

Here’s the facts, Mom. You’ve got to find solitude wherever and whenever you can. It forces us to face ourselves, get in tune with what we’re feeling and refreshes us in ways that the company of others can’t.

You say you’re too busy?  Being busy can be a bad habit and a crutch, a way to make yourself feel important and ignore the real questions that trouble you deep inside. But we must change this bad habit because our stubbornness is slowly corroding something deep within us. It is dulling our sensibilities, chipping off the edges of our sensitivity toward others, and it is killing our spirit. The more we avoid quieting ourselves, the colder we become to ourselves. And this is a dangerous place to be. For when we grow insensitive to ourselves, we can become filled with self-contempt, and that is a very painful state.

CHALLENGE:

Carve out some time for yourself this week.  Put away your iPhone, turn off your computer and be with yourself and just listen.

Here are some ideas to inspire you. Feel free to list some of your own in the comments below!

• Arrive early to work and before you jump out of your car to start the day, turn off the car and silence the radio. Just sit and be.
• Shut your office door after lunch, turn off the computer, silence your phone and take a breather.
• Go to your local library, find a comfortable chair and absorb the silence.
• After your children are asleep in their beds, go to your favorite chair. Turn off the television and just spend a few minutes listening to the silence.

Your turn. Tell me how you will carve out a bit of solitude for yourself this week. Do it and come back and tell me how it felt.

Someone I know once said to me, “I used to think I would be truly happy once I had published a book. When that didn’t do it, I realized what would truly make me happy was… a house.” She was only about 80% kidding. We looked around her cluttered apartment at the time and nodded at each other.

Clearly, there was some easy key to life satisfaction. If it hadn’t turned out to be some career goal being met, most likely happiness would turn out to be related to having the right real estate. This woman has since acquired a house and she reports that eternal bliss has not been achieved. “Ach, the basement is flooding!” she said the last time I saw her. What about the theory that here lay happiness? She claimed not to remember the conversation.

I’m now aware enough to know that it’s too flip to say happiness lies in accomplishments or housing or the most chic raincoat that would make every outfit look perfectly pulled together…but…there must be some key to feeling sanguine, right? Here is the question filmmaker Roko Belic set out to discover in his soon-to-be-released documentary, The Happy Movie. Belic writes for The Huffington Post about his experiences making the film, and some of the intriguing things he learned about happiness. One of the happiest people he came across in his filming was a poor rickshaw puller in an Indian slum. Said the rickshaw puller, “When I return home and see my son waiting for me, and when he calls out to me ‘Baba!’ I am full of joy.”

Belic reveals that “one of the leading researchers of happiness in the world, Ed Diener, at the University of Illinois” told him “that a person’s values are among the best predictors of their happiness. People who value money, power, fame and good looks are less likely to be happy than people who value compassion, cooperation and a willingness to make the world a better place…People who express their love—who rejoice in the health and happiness of others— are more likely to feel loved and happy themselves.”

People who express their love. Not the people who have the most, or even who are themselves the most loved. I feel both that we know this…and that we need to remind ourselves of it every day. Love someone today. It’s easy. It feels good. And it’s free.

Money is another thing we don’t talk about in polite company.  How much, or how little, we and our spouses earn is a well-guarded secret.  Money is, of course, tied to how much providing power we have.  Providing power has become synonymous with purchasing power.

Purchasing the right stuff for our kids–opportunities, shoes, private schools, skating lessons, etc.–has become the gold standard for many parents when it comes to excellent parenting.

Here’s the truth that I’ve talked about before: kids don’t measure their mothers by the education, coaches or clothes that they supply them. They measure us as good enough mothers by intangibles such as our character and the time and attention we give them and how we make them feel.  None of that can be bought.

So, if money has a hold over you and the way it makes you feel as a parent, break free. You must be honest with yourself regarding its real meaning in your life, then be bold enough to peel away that power and forge a whole new relationship with money–something that YOU have the power to do.

CHALLENGE:

The next time you want to open your wallet to buy something for one of your children, stop. Ask yourself what your motive is. Do you think your child will love you better because you’re buying him or her the latest game for their Xbox? If you realize that you are doing it to feel better about yourself as a mother, don’t spend the money. Challenge yourself instead by giving your child something more long-lasting. Carve out an evening the two of you can spend together.

Then do a test: see how you feel about life the next day. Chances are excellent that you will feel a deeper sense of satisfaction about life and about yourself.

Spending time (not $$) is the only authentic, lasting way to improve your relationship and make lasting, fulfilling memories with your children.

Remember to focus on providing love, attention and your time. Nothing that you can purchase can come close.

As natural as the love you feel toward your daughter might be, there will be challenges to that love, from crying squalls when she’s a baby, to kindergarten tantrums, to other stresses of growing up that might show themselves in disrupted sleep patterns, moodiness, or ugly language. Your daughter, whatever her age, responds differently to stress than you do. If you’re upset, you might watch a football game, go for a jog, or go fishing. Not her. She wants to spill her tensions on you. It makes her feel better. So  be ready-and don’t be surprised if she does this from an early age. Many parents ask if daughters can experience PMS before puberty. My answer is yes. It doesn’t make good medical sense, but I see it repeatedly.

It’s inevitable too, that your daughter will go through stages. She’ll draw close to you, then she’ll pull away; she’ll adore you, then she’ll want nothing to do with you. You need to love her not only when she is your sweet affectionate girl, but also when she’s a real pain in the neck to be around. When she’s moody, you still need to communicate with her-and you need to keep yourself from exploding when she’s disagreeable.

How do you do that? Discipline. Grit. Will. If you need to distance yourself emotionally for a time, do it. If you need physical separation for a bit, okay. But always come back. Will, patience, calm, and persistence will pay off in your relationship with her. Nothing better expresses serious love than this combination of qualities. Let her know that nothing she does, even running away, getting pregnant, tattooing her ankle, or piercing her tongue, can make you stop loving her. Say that if  you need to.

Love must push us beyond ourselves. It will jab every sensitive part of you and turn you inside out. Having kids is terrifying because parenting is like walking around with your heart outside your chest. It goes to school and gets made fun of. It jumps into cars that go too fast. It breaks and bleeds.

But love is voluntary. Your daughter cannot make you love her or think she is wonderful. She would do that if she could, but she can’t. How you love her, and when you show it, is within your control.

Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughter needs you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t she’ll wonder why you left her.

I know this is tough stuff. But it’s worth it.

We Mothers compare ourselves with others constantly.  Whether it’s the nicer dressed woman at kindergarten drop-off that never looks frazzled, the neighbor whose children are always perfectly dressed and well-mannered, or that woman with the perfect body at the gym. I’ve said it before and I do believe that we mothers feel more peer pressure than our kids do. We feel pressure to be “perfect” moms, raise better and smarter kids–all while excelling at our jobs.

Usually when we are jealous and want something that we don’t have, it’s because we are imagining what life would be like if we had the “thing,” but that vision isn’t necessarily the truth.  So, in a real sense, all of the jealousy remains a mind-set. We believe our imaginary thoughts, latch on to them, and feel insecure, determined to find the other’s secrets in order to find her treasure and ultimately feel less inadequate.

So, we turn on ourselves. Once we feel that we’re lacking, we begin to dislike who we are, which leaves us more needy and wanting.  This makes us miserable and it robs us of our joy.

CHALLENGE:

We must refuse to compete with our friends, acquaintances and even strangers. The first step is to think about what you are jealous of and admit it–out loud. My friend once admitted to me that she was jealous of a woman at the gym that worked out in a sports bra and had a stomach that was flat as a board. My friend knew she was irritated about this woman and her ugly feelings towards her wouldn’t go away until she admitted it out loud.

Think about that person (or people) that gets the green eyed monster stirring in you. Now, simply admit it, no matter how silly you feel. Tell it to your best friend or even your husband. Saying it out loud releases the power that the jealousy holds over us. It provides a some perspective and I guarantee that admitting it will make you feel like a load is off your shoulders.

Now, be generous with praise for others. That woman at the gym? Tell her she looks great. I know, that makes you cringe at the thought. But forcing yourself to say nice things, praise other mothers and encouraging each other whenever possible changes us. The jealousy will go away.

Next, focus on yourself.  Count your blessings and celebrate your achievements.  Write down your blessings and positive thought patterns will become more routine, more second nature.

Get off the competitive train, Moms.  Take the hard road and confront what makes you feel jealous, even if that doesn’t feel good at first. Rise above it.

I expect this week’s exercise will be a difficult one, Moms. Do you find yourself competing with others on a regular basis?

Hi Dr. Meeker,

I channeled my “Inner Meeker” in a conversation I had this morning with my 14 year old daughter, and want to thank you! Last night she came down to show her mom and I her school outfit for tomorrow (today) which is a little habit I’m very happy with. Her jeans had some strategically placed holes
around the knees which I have no problem with…it was the larger hole on the upper thigh we did not like, and told her so. We had a controlled argument over who was right and who was wrong, and then she huffed away mumbling that we are restricting her ability to “find” herself, and to “express” herself.

Morning comes with my daughter still upset, giving me the silent treatment,but wearing different pants….I thought carefully about what to say because I did not want this to fester throughout the school day, and then I thought, “what would Meg Meeker tell me to do?” So I turned off the TV and calmly told my daughter that I am excited and thrilled that she wants to “express” herself, and now is a great time in your life to do this, but at the same time, it’s my job to instill in you a sense of self-respect,dignity, and modesty, and that those jeans were not appropriate. She did not reply and finished her breakfast. As we went about the morning rush, the silent treatment was over, and we had a nice conversation about other things on the drive to school. So I want to thank you for playing such a huge role in the raising of my TWO daughters, and I am constantly telling people about your books and to follow you on Facebook.

Name Witheld for Privacy

GREAT JOB, Dad!

Moms and Dads out there, have you ever had a moment like this? What did you do?

So what are conscientious parents to do? Are we to push, prod and remortgage our homes in order to get Sara and John through the best college possible?  I don’t think so.

First of all, when a child is a senior in college, most lack adult reasoning and understanding of the consequences of their decisions. That means that we need to run interference and make some hard choices. Try as you might, if your son isn’t ready to make good use of the money you put out or the scholarships that he gets to cover his tuition, I’d skip college
and make him work until he’s ready to commit. The truth is, many 18 year old boys just aren’t ready to take college seriously and I see a lot of parents waste precious money. Remember, many boys see life very differently at 24 than they do at 18.

Second, parents must ask serious questions about what is wise use of family funds, particularly if a child isn’t applying for scholarships. Is it fair to make the family tighten their belts so that Susie can go to the college of her choice? I don’t think so. The fairest way to handle college payment is to give each child an equal amount of money and then tell them that they
must find the rest of the money. This is not only wise money management and fair parenting, it motivates students to work harder. If they spend their hard earned money, you can bet they will be partying less on weekends.

So here’s what I recommend for all you parents who are sweating the decisions that some of your college bound kids are making.

1. Decide what you can afford and be very clear with your student before his senior year. If he applies to schools that you can’t afford, offer to help him wade through scholarship applications but make it very clear that he must find the money. Stick to your guns. If he doesn’t get the money, he will learn to work hard at a job for a year and reapply to more realistic schools the next year.
2. If you have money but feel that your student isn’t ready to go away, opt for a community college and have him live at home. Or, tell him that he must work for a year or two. Sometimes, giving him time to mature is the kindest gift you can give a student.
3. Skip the guilt. The truth is, 99% of students will get to the career they want regardless where they go to school. Many brilliant professionals came up throughout the ranks of small community colleges, not the Ivy League schools. And- some kids aren’t meant to go to college. Some are more adept at trades and other jobs and part of good parenting is recognizing where a child fits.