TIME put her photo on the cover for one reason: to make viewers gasp and then buy the magazine. That, they did. In fact, I have not heard of one reader who looked at the photo and remarked  how lovely the image was. Instead, I have only heard folks (men and women) make peculiar, guttural noises communicating their- well- disgust at the photo. No one wants to call it disgust of course, because it is a mother and child, but that’s what I fear most Americans felt when they saw the photo.

So did this poor woman succeed in garnering support for mothers breast feeding their children into their early elementary school years? I highly doubt it.

First, there are scant mothers out there who want to breast feed beyond their baby’s first 12 or 18 months. So, to begin with, she was appealing to a very small crowd of mothers. Second, and more importantly, this notion reinforces to mothers something which their instincts reject. That is, that we, the Moms, are to be the sole source of everything to our children. Since we alone provide breast milk, then we should be the ones who are soley privvy to bond with them (forget Dad and siblings.) When you tell exhausted mothers that they are to be their child’s lifeline to the exclusion of other very important family members, like Dad or grandparents, they want to buckle. And I don’t think that’s fair to good mothers anywhere.

So let me say something that will really raise some hackles. I think that breastfeeding is very important, but since I also believe that it is important for a child to bond with her father and siblings, giving a bottle along with breastfeeding can be wonderful for the child. The truth is, every child needs more than just her mother. Breast milk is great, but it isn’t liquid gold. Feeding practices must fall into the larger scheme of parenting and to rob other family members of the opportunity to bond to children through feeding, isn’t fair to anyone in the family.

I dare say that communicating to America on the cover of a national magazine that children fair better in life when they latch onto their mothers (to the exclusion of other important family members) for sustenance well beyond a time when they can begin to provide for themselves (four year olds can open the refrigerator and pour themselves a glass of milk) sends a loaded socio-political message: mothers are more important than fathers. This, is absolutely, a message that we all must reject because if we accept it, then every child loses.

So I have a recommendation. Let’s try to do something really nice for ourselves this Mother’s Day. No, I don’t mean buying ourselves a massage, pedicure or a dinner out with friends. Let’s dig deeper and do something for ourselves that will really make us feel better – for months.

Here’s my challenge to each of you mothers who feels overworked, unappreciated or misunderstood… First, write down all of the things that you feel that you should be. You know, like: nicer, more patient, more assertive, less assertive, etc. We all have our own lists. Then, write down all of the things that you should do. Cook better meals, make more money, clean your house more frequently, spend more “quality time” with your kids. Having trouble coming up with your lists? You’re not being honest. Think about the “other woman” who lives in your heads and talks to you every day. You remember her- she’s the version of the mother that you should be. The perfect you, as a mom. Put her down on paper. Really let it out. Write down what she tells you that you should be doing, where you should be going, how much exercise you should be getting (mine’s telling me I should go to the gym as soon as I’m done) and how your kids would be behaving if you were more like her. Now you’re getting it. Spend some time thinking about her. What does she look like, what does she sound like? She speaks so much more nicely than you do- because she never raises her voice.

After you have done this exercise, carefully read over what you have written. I know, your kids should be in a higher reading group. Your daughter would be dancing four times per week if you had the money. Maybe you need a better job to pay for those lessons. That’s what she would do. Read the list over and over and add to it over the next couple of days.

Now- here comes the good part. Drag your pen to the bottom of the page and start scratching things off of the list. Tell her to shrink. You don’t need her in your head. She’s fictitious. She never will exist because she doesn’t need to. Here’s the best news of all: your kids don’t like her and they don’t want her as their Mom. They want you.

Replace the lists you have made with reality, Your kids want you. They want to be with you, laugh with you and do errands with you. They don’t need to be in a higher reading group, dance more, have a nicer bedroom or a cleaner house. And- they don’t really care that much about your cooking. They don’t care whether you buy brownies at the store, make them from a box or even make them from scratch. Those are YOUR issues. They just want to eat the brownie with you.

So give yourself a gift this Mother’s Day. Recognize that your kids really want you to parent them, not the mother in your mind. Scratch those wicked things off your list and let your kids really have their Mom. That’s all they want. And that’s what will make you feel a whole lot better. Happy Mother’s Day to you.

Before I make any parent feel too guilty, let me say that we, like our children have become the victims of insanely aggressive marketing. Everywhere we turn, food ads appear. And when they do, we salivate. We’re only human. Marketers are manipulative and the problem is, manipulation works. Make something look delicious and we will take a bite. Marketing works with food, violence and sex. We all know what’s happening. Muffins have been injected with steroids, the ¼ pounder is now a ¾ pounder and we feel as though we’ve lost the battle- either with ourselves, or with our children.

Personally, I think it’s too much to have to choose between fifteen types of potato chips, so I skip it altogether. And varieties of pantyhose? Don’t get me started. I felt liberated the day that my 28 year old daughter told me that they were out of style. Praise God. One less decision to make.

So what’s a frightened, overwhelmed and exhausted parent to do? Surrender and hope for the best? Absolutely not. We can win this one. I see parents winning all the time and this is how they do it.

1. ONLY shop the outside of the supermarket and control all foods that come in the house. No junk food. No soda. No pop tarts or kids’ cereals. And no rationalizing having them.
2. Pack your kids’ lunches. School lunches are full of salt, fat and sugar. No dissing the lunch lady, let her feed other people’s kids, not yours. Yes, your son may swap his apple for the other kid’s Cheetos, but you can chat about that.
3. Everyone eats the same food. Period. If dad’s craving nachos, he can sneak out to Taco Bell when the kids are asleep.
4. Stick to the “One” rule. At every meal and every snack, each person gets one serving. And a reasonably sized one at that
5. The refrigerator is off limits except at meal times. We have trained our kids to be grazers because we don’t want to be over controlling when it comes to food. We want them to have freedom, but the problem is, their stomachs are in control, they aren’t. When we teach them to stay away from the refrigerator except at meal times, we teach them to respect food.
6. NO talk about diets and food. The majority of girls, especially, in America feel insecure about their weight. So don’t make weight the issue. Strength, good nutrition and health are the issues, NOT vanity.  Make healthy eating a discipline that everyone in your family should have because being disciplined is part of life.

Yes, yes, yes you can win this war. Your child depends on you winning.

Family Life Today Broadcast #2

Family Life Today Broadcast #3

I hope you’ll take time today to click the three links above and listen the broadcasts I taped with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine from FamilyLife Today.  The program begins airing today, Monday, April 30th through Wednesday, May 2nd.

We discuss everything from how to slow the pace of life down to how to get rid of the angst that a lot of mothers experience while raising young children.  For more on the topics I discuss in the broadcasts above, read The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers.

Now’s the time to go grab that cup of coffee or mug of tea and settle in and listen.

So is she setting her daughter up for some serious psychological issues or is she a mother who’s had enough our food obsessed culture’s influence on her daughter? I think, a little of both.

What’s wrong with her tactic is publicizing her daughter’s personal business. She can write all she wants about her own food struggles, but, as a pediatrician, publicizing kids’ issues is completely off limits. I was once contacted by 60 Minutes asking me to come on the show and discuss problems associated with teen sexual activity. The producers asked me to find some teens who had terrible sexually transmitted infections so that they could put them on the air. I flatly told them that I was fair game, never my patients. Same is true with Dara-Lynn’s daughter. Children’s issues should never be aired publicly.

Second, was she right to put her daughter on a diet? If her daughter really was 4 ft 4 in and 93 pounds at age 7, then she was in the 90% for height and about 115% ile for weight. She did have a weight issue that threatened her health. So, clearly, she needed help with her weight.

But here’s the problem. Food, weight and dieting are loaded issues for girls (and women of all ages) in the United States. We have an obesity epidemic among children and at the same time we have a nation full of girls who are starving, binge eating and inducing vomiting daily. When it comes to food consumption, or lack of food consumption, we are genuinely obsessed. Add to that our obsession with body image and how that affects a young girl’s sense of self worth and we have a mess on our hands. So what’s a mother to do? Risk her daughter being taunted by school kids because she is chubby, getting diabetes and all the other health problems that go along with obesity or risk humiliating her daughter and setting her up for an eating disorder by forcing her to diet?

Here’s where I believe the answer lies and it may surprise you. The answer lies in the mother’s motives. If she approached her daughter as though she needed to be healthier and stronger, her daughter will do fine. If, on the other hand, Dara-Lynn felt a bit embarrassed by her daughter (she would never say this, but her daughter would know it) then her daughter is set up to have a serious eating disorder. She will either eat herself into oblivion or starve.

In the end, I do agree with Dara-Lynn’s willingness to take charge of the situation. I see girls with eating disorders of all kinds and by far, the most common eating issues occur because mothers won’t intervene. They allow their kids to eat whatever they want and handle their children like they will break. We have become a nation of confused parents whose motives have become gnarled. I do believe that the psychological and physical health of our children comes down to what we believe about them and what we want for them. If we believe that they are fully capable of controlling their impulses (like eating) then we need to treat them as such. The choices that they will have to make regarding consumption of all sorts of bad stuff- food, video games, television shows, sex, drug- you name it, are only going to get tougher. And we need to prepare them to make those tough choices by teaching them to be disciplined kids filled with self control. Go overboard, or do this because you want a nicer looking kid, and you will create psychological havoc for your child.

Do you agree? What are your thoughts on the issue?

Unless, you have the chance to meet a truly great man. Two weeks ago, I met one and it was one of the highlights of my career. I spent an afternoon with Dr. Jim Dobson and we taped three radio shows together. As we got to know one another, I asked myself what felt so different about him? Was the joy that I was experiencing stemming from the fact that I had read his books, seen him on television over the years and heard him interview folks like Billy Graham on the radio? Nope. It wasn’t any of those.

Something about my time with him was different. I have felt this on two other occasions when I met extraordinary people. Jim Dobson is a man with unmatched authenticity and integrity. When he speaks, you know that truth is falling from his mouth. When he smiles, he stares at your face and you know that he means for you to feel joy. The lines on his face speak about the wars he has fought for the beliefs he holds dear to his heart. And you just know, that he has been, and continues to be a warrior for the things that about which he feels passionately. Men like this are rare.

I do believe that what left me understanding his greatness had nothing to do with his notoriety. The truth is, many who have read his work and heard him speak don’t like him at all. They find him too narrow, too abrasive. But these are exactly what make him so authentic. He is a man who has been driven by his beliefs, not in his own abilities, but in his God. He knows God. And he loves that God.

I hope that you are on the lookout for great men. They are there. One may be in your neighborhood, in your school, your office or in your church. They are there, I believe, because they, too, have rubbed elbows with older great men who have taught them to live as no other. Find them and learn from them.

I hope that you enjoy the radio shows that Dr. Dobson and I did together and I hope that you listen. Hear what I heard in his voice and learn from him because we can’t afford to miss integrity like his when we have the chance.

NOTE: My interview with Dr. Dobson airs today, April 23, and again in May (time and date TBA). You can listen online on the official website and find out when the program will air on your local station here: http://drjamesdobson.org/Broadcasts/Archive

You can listen online or you can also use Dr. Dobson’s website to find a station in your area that will broadcast the show.

I hope you’ll tune in to listen!

What struck me most, however, was not her spectacular beauty but her calm demeanor. She floated, almost rested on top of the water. Her head shifted from left to right above her long, graceful neck. Her movements were calculated and secure.

Behind her floated three cygnets, looking like puffy cotton balls with beaks. I recognized them as her offspring, not simply by their coal beaks, but by her commanding demeanor. She was silent. They squeaked. And when they spoke to her she neither stopped or acknowledged their presence. She just kept paddling along. Neither mother nor cygnets seemed to pay any attention to each other. Always she kept her paddle feet pulling back the water beneath her breast.

As she passed by, I decided to show her beauty off to my three-year old niece. Quietly I went to the house, grabbed a handful of bread and my niece, and together we padded back to the end of the dock.

When we returned, the mother swan was still floating by, but her triplets had drifted a ways behind. Feeling sorry for them, my niece threw a handful of smashed bread pieces towards them and they scurried over to get them before they dissolved. By the time the bread hit the water, the mother swan had darted like a shot between them and interrupted their eating. Then, the elegant beauty did something frightening.

She didn’t stop when she reached the bread. She raced to the shore and stood up on the sand. Being an inexperienced ornithologist, I suddenly learned that swans not only walk on sand–they can run.

I was stunned by her boldness while my niece simply squealed. Quickly, I pushed my niece behind me. At that moment the mother swan menacingly stretched out her wings in our direction, creating an enormous span of white. I watched her run across the yard, then turn and start, wondering where in the world she was intent on going.

I wondered if she was mad–perhaps she had rabies. No, no; I knew swans couldn’t get rabies. Then the swan turned toward me and started racing down the dock. Her feet slapped the boards furiously. “This can’t be happening,” I thought. “I’m about to be attacked by a bird.” I wanted to laugh at the sight of the big white thing running and squawking at me, but I screamed instead.

The swan kept running right at us. I grabbed my little niece and we jumped into the water. Too afraid to turn my back on this mad animal, I jumped backwards, trying to jump high enough and far enough not to land on my little niece who was glued to my back. When we bobbed to the surface, I saw her again. She stopped. For a moment in mid-air, I had reached to the back of my mind for Plan B just in case the swan followed me into the water. Fortunately, I never needed Plan B. The gigantic bird stopped and perched on the end of the dock, puffy and gloating.

She paused for a moment to enjoy her victory. Then almost as quickly as she had run at us, she turned and flew off the side of the dock to rejoin her cygnets. Neither my niece nor I suffered any physical injury, but the trauma I harbored in my gut took days to clear. Never before had I been on the receiving end of an animal or human so venomously enraged.

But I knew that was a mother’s instinct. What is true for mother swans is true for the mothers of boys. I’ve never been chased down a dock by one, but mothers are invariably their sons’ greatest advocates and defenders.

(today’s post is an excerpt from Boys Should be Boys)

Last year was one of the most difficult of my life. Until then, I confess, I lived in awful fear. I believed that I couldn’t live without a certain loved one and I was terrified what would happen when she died. Most of us have at least one person in our lives who fits that bill. We fear their death, but mostly we fear for ourselves without them. Enduring the grief of last year forced me to give up many of my fears because I have learned that, yes, I can survive. We can survive the loss of a spouse, a child, a home, a job, you name it because we are a stalwart lot of creatures who need one or two others.

My father-in-law wanted Jesus as he died. All of his medical knowledge became irrelevant (almost trite) and he wanted to see his Lord. My loved one with cancer needs support, care and love to make it until another day. I have learned that what I really need to survive painful days is very simple- the presence of someone who loves me. That’s it. And since I have no illusions that I am unique, I think that’s what we all need when life beats us up. The presence of a loved one, or two, if we’re lucky.

There is profound mystery in this truth. What is it about having someone we love sit with us, cry with us or buy us a hamburger and eat it with us that makes life tolerable? And how is it that an invisible God can let us know he’s there too? I haven’t a clue.

Presence of loved ones. That is what each of us needs when the s*#!t hits the fan. We need arms and hugs and hamburgers. Here’s my question. If we need this, why don’t we practice this? Think about your days. How often do you see someone, really see them? How often do you call someone simply to enjoy his/her company? Probably rarely, if at all. Does this make sense to you? Does it make sense that we put so little effort into doing the things which we really need and watch television, check emails or write on friends’ Facebook walls instead?

Learning to share the presence of a loved one is one (if not the) most important things we must do to survive. This is not only true for us, it is true for our kids as well. The question for each of us parents is, ‘Are we making sure that we are teaching our kids how to be with loved ones?’ or are we making sure that they are constantly entertained, fulfilled or having their self esteem bolstered by improving an athletic or academic skill set? I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that life will sting my own kids as they get older and I want to make sure that they’ll know how to get through those tough days. They might be seeing more of me- and a few of their close friends- in the near future.

Then, his buddy, Jeremy Wuitschick attended to the ill bus driver and began CPR. Now I don’t know if you have ever seen someone have a heart attack, but it is a terrifying experience. So for a young boy to have the wherewithal to assess what’s happening and then administer medical aide, is extraordinary. I dare say that many grown adults wouldn’t be able to do this. Giant kudos to the two of them.

We need to be reminded that really good parenting works. Clearly these boys were taught a few very important lessons before they jumped aboard the bus that day. First, they learned that in a crisis, they could do the right thing. When most of the kids sat in shock, these boys drew from an internal strength which prompted them to do something good and right. Take the wheel and help the dying man. Having the instinct to do what save lives is something that must be implanted by parents. Second, they had the self confidence to take charge. Someone had taught them along the way that they were fully capable of doing things themselves. So often in our efforts to love our boys, we cripple them by never allowing them to take charge and do things for themselves, because we do too much for them. Clearly these were not coddled kids: they knew how to take charge.

So great job Jeremy and Johnny. But let’s give a shout out to their parents who clearly did a lot of things right before this harrowing ride ever took place. And the lessons they taught their sons saved the lives of a school bus fill of kids.