Meg Meeker, M.D.

When Bad Things Happen to Good Children

Meg Meeker, MD — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:29:29 +0000

When tragedy strikes, like it has in Oklahoma City, and children are trapped beneath the rubble of their collapsed elementary school, it causes each of us to gasp. We stare at the television or Internet sites, not because we want to gawk, but because we are transfixed by disbelief. How could this happen to innocent children?, we wonder. This, of course, is ridiculous reasoning because we know that tornadoes don’t select as their victims adults, children, nice folks, or mean ones. They just happen.

As we pray and process, our disbelief turns to incredulity, and we want to pin the problem on someone or something. We need to place blame because a tragedy like this just seems, well, wrong—at least in America where we don’t expect natural disasters to be a regular part of our daily lives.

So we look to the most reasonable place for blame and that is to the God who controls the wind and its direction. The tornado was unmerciful as it destroyed lives and families. How could we call the One who commands the tornado anything like “merciful” or “kind”? Isn’t this an impossibility? In the moment, yes, it does feel impossible, but soon it won’t be.

After parents who have lost a child stand up again and folks who have lost their homes take a step or two forward, we will be able to see that maybe the God who allowed this to happen might be good. But for today—in the midst of the agony—it feels unreachable.

If God is real (I fully believe that He is), then He must embody kindness. He must be rational and merciful if He is anything like the Bible says that He is. This isn’t sophisticated theology; it is Faith 101. God is good. And He is kind.

So, why, then, do horrific things happen to beautiful and good children? Rabbi Harold Kushner, author or When Bad Things Happen to Good People, reasoned that God allows bad things and suffers with us, but He doesn’t forbid them because He is limited. I disagree. How can God be limited if He is God? We can’t escape that He is responsible.

I think that something else is going on that we can’t see or understand. God doesn’t wish bad things to happen but He allows them because I think, He doesn’t see them as devastating as we do. Of course He doesn’t want anyone to suffer, but He knows that when we live on earth, suffering will be part of our lives. But God sees a side of life that we can’t see and I think that this reality allows Him to withstand the pain of tragedy.

God sees what happens to the children and adults after they suffer the tragedy and die. He sees them rise from their bodies and dance in heaven. He longs to have them home with Him and as quickly as the tragedy comes, it ends for Him because He oversees immediate restoration. But we don’t. We stay here stuck staring at the rubble—waiting, praying, and hoping beyond hope that loved ones will survive to see another day down here on earth.

To those parents who hurt today, be encouraged. Although the pain of loss never quite leaves you, the peace of God offers comfort that passes all understanding. And for the children who don’t survive, heaven awaits with a life that is far sweeter than we experience on earth. Faith is deciding to believe that this is true.

I have come to embrace this belief because I have witnessed tragedy and seen the goodness of God pierce through human pain. And sometimes in his mercy, He gives us a glimpse of the life beyond. I encourage you to pick up Heaven Is for Real or Proof of Heaven so that you can see a small piece of what God has ready for the innocent children who don’t survive tornadoes. Our prayers must stay diligent for the parents those little ones leave behind.

Photo credit: CNN.com

Tell Your Friends About Our Father’s Day Special

Meg Meeker, MD — Tue, 21 May 2013 01:30:47 +0000

I’m having an awesome Father’s Day Special at my online store, and I’d love your help in spreading the word.

My team has created these shareable graphics for you to use on Pinterest, Facebook, your own blogs, newsletters—wherever!

You’ll find them in three different designs and three different sizes.

I appreciate your help in creating stronger fathers this Father’s Day.

(If you use any of the graphics, would you leave a comment and let us know? We’d love to see how you use them, and we’ll comment on your site/post in turn.)

Thanks!

To post these graphics on your website, use the embed codes below. To copy these images, simply right click and choose “save as” to save the image to your computer. You can then upload the image from your computer. We’d appreciate it if you’d make sure to link the image to our website at megmeekermd.com/order.

Dad and daughter at the beach, 240×400

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Dad and daughter at the beach, 226×280

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Dad and daughter at the beach, 120×240

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Father’s Day – Tie 240×400

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Dad gives piggyback ride 240×400

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Dad: You Are Her First Love

Meg Meeker, MD — Thu, 16 May 2013 22:47:01 +0000

Father’s Day is one month from today! During the next 30 days or so, I’ll be posting excerpts and highlights from my book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30-Day Challenge.

Dads, have you taken The 30-Day Challenge?

This summer is a perfect time to build a better relationship with your daughter.

Don’t miss my Father’s Day Special at the online store. Details are at the end of the post.

~~~

You Are Her First Love

Our culture ties girls in knots, and your daughter is no exception.

No matter how hard you try to isolate her from the ugly influence of a world that sexualizes and degrades women, you can’t. And since you are the primary means by which she develops a healthy sense of beauty and sexuality, when it comes to shaping these in her, it’s on your shoulders.

When it comes to loving your daughter, remember these important ideas:

• Tell her that you love her. Tell her as frequently as feels natural to you.

• Express adoration. Let her know that she is the apple of your eye.

• Believe in her. Most girls, especially during the teen years, feel terribly inadequate, dumb, and unattractive. You need to really amp up your positive comments during the tough times and help her combat those feelings.

• Don’t remark on her weight—EVER. No pet names for parts of her body, no calling her “sexy,” and no telling her that she’s chubby or that she should lose a few pounds.

• Don’t remark on her looks very often. I know that this feels counter-intuitive. Shouldn’t every girl know that her dad thinks she’s beautiful? Of course; but don’t overdo it. You don’t want her to feel that her appearance is a priority to you.

• Use lots of words of encouragement and affection. Girls use more words, and they bond through words. Girls feel that words connect them with others.

This post is adapted from “Love—the Dos and Don’ts,” Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30-Day Challenge (2012).

Father’s Day Special

When you order my Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters DVD study, you’ll get The 30-Day Challenge free plus free shipping. Order here.

Spend More Time With Your Kids

Meg Meeker, MD — Thu, 09 May 2013 21:37:22 +0000

If you’re just now joining us this week, find Part 1 of “Get Off the Crazy Train” here, and Part 2 is here.

Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 12. To honor and celebrate you, Mom, this week I’m posting about the tough—but oh, so rewarding— job of motherhood.

I’ll also be giving away five copies of my book, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers. Just leave me a comment on any of the blog posts this week (May 6-9), and you’ll be entered to win. Share the post via Facebook or Twitter and you can earn two more entries. Just come back to the blog post and leave a comment for each action.

Please note: Comments left on eligible posts by noon central time, May 10, will be entered into the book giveaway. Five winners will be chosen at random Friday afternoon and contacted via email.

~~~~~

Once we have identified our real motives for our behaviors, then, we are ready to make some serious changes. Fear of having our kids fall behind, of feeling like a failure as a parent, or of not helping our child meet his highest potential drives us to do ridiculous and harmful things to our kids. So we need to change our behaviors and commit to making decisions for our kids from a posture of strength, not fear.

When we consider the development of a child’s identity, we see that spending adequate time with parents is crucial.

Here’s why.

When a child is young, she scours her mother and father’s faces for clues about life and herself. She reads their body language, their mannerisms, their inflections, and she listens to their tone of voice in order to find out some very important things. She needs to know what they believe about her.

Even as young as a year old, your son watches you to see if you are in a good mood or a bad mood. If you are in a good mood, he can go play because life is good. If you are angry or upset, he is rattled and can’t settle easily. As he grows older, he watches you more fervently. He wonders, Do you like being with him? Do you think that he is stupid or smart? Is he good? Does he matter? Do you like to hug and kiss him?

When he receives answers, then he begins to form a mental image of himself: he is a good, smart boy who is huggable, or he is a nuisance and is never worth being seen because no one pays attention.

Children shape an image of themselves by the messages we send them and then they internalize those messages. They become part of who they are. Over time, if they repeatedly learn that we are happy to see them, they feel higher value. If we ignore them and talk on our phones whenever they are in the room, they wonder whether or not they are worth being with. (As an aside, I once had a five-year-old patient tell me—while his mom was talking on her cell phone in the exam room—that the family calls her phone “the family killer.”)

In addition, children mimic our behaviors to see if they like them. If snarling makes people pay attention, they will try it. If saying “I’m sorry” makes Mom feel better, then the kids, too, will try it.

This process intensifies as the child reaches junior high and high school. They read us. They listen to hear what we say about them. If we hug them, they feel better about who they are. And the best way to boost a daughter’s self esteem? Contrary to what we might believe, it is not in helping her improve her dancing or get better grades.

A daughter’s self-esteem rises when she receives physical affection from her father.

This begs the question: If healthy identity formation, self esteem, and happiness are derived from cues kids receive from their parents, why are we spending so little time with them?

Playing sports helps kids enjoy themselves and maybe get into college, but if a young man doesn’t know how his father really feels about him, does it matter? If pushing our kids to study harder and get better grades helps them get smarter and get into a better college, does it matter if she feels that her mother doesn’t really like to be with her?

These are questions that we must help our kids answer before they leave home. Every child needs to know that Mom loves her because she is alive. And every son needs to know that his dad respects and loves him simply because he is his son. We are teaching our kids that their value to us comes from their performance and this is dangerous.

Staying on the crazy train feeds our fanaticism and tells us that we must keep them busy, we must make them better than their peers, and we must help them get ahead. But this does nothing to build their inner selves, their character, or their identity.

My challenge for each of you is to amp up the time you spend with your children. We think that teens need less of us; this isn’t true. Teens need their parents more than grade school children because their needs are complex and broad. Don’t miss this.

You can’t hug if you aren’t with your kids. They can’t see the smile on your face when they walk into the room if you never do. And they can’t know that you enjoy their company if you are never together.

So do your kids a favor. Jump! Get off the train and spend more time with them.

Parenting From Fear Makes You Crazy

Meg Meeker, MD — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:30:31 +0000

If you’re just now joining us this week, find Part 1 of “Get Off the Crazy Train” here. Today’s post is Part 2 of “Get Off the Crazy Train.”

Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 12. To honor and celebrate you, Mom, this week I’m posting about the tough—but oh, so rewarding— job of motherhood.

~~~

As a mom, I spent many years on the Crazy Train. I’ll bet you’ve spent awhile there, too. Maybe you’re riding around on it right now.

Get off, Mom! It’s time to get off the Crazy Train.

Almost every mother I talk to wonders whether or not she is parenting well enough. Her insecurity stems from this ride she’s taking. The Crazy Train takes us to a far away and “most excellent” place. Our peers ride alongside—but that’s not all.

A parallel track runs beside us with our kids aboard. Their train picks up speed just like ours does. And this part may surprise you—none of them wants to be on it but they are. Not because their friends are, but because we tell them they must be.

Every parent lives with some anxiety about their parenting, worrying if they are doing a good enough job. The antidote to our worry is to get our kids busy: sign them up for team sports, dance classes, or tutoring sessions to help them get better grades.

We believe that busyness is the key to success. But the problem is, it doesn’t relieve the angst we harbor.

If getting our kids to perform better really made us all happier, wouldn’t we be?

Here’s the problem. We have crafted a modern paradigm for raising good kids.

We believe that parenting well means accomplishing these goals:

our kids should be successful
our kids should be happy
we should always be boosting their self-esteem
they should always run with a “solid” peer group

This all sounds good, but when you unravel it, we see that it makes our kids more miserable than happy.

» We want our kids to be successful.
We’re convinced that success hinges on decisions we make just as our babies begin to crawl. We enroll them in good preschools, kindergarten (at just the “right” age), and the best high school we can afford, so that they can get into a great college. So what if they then graduate, get a good job, and make a lot of money—then what?

» We want them to be happy.
We insure this by avoiding conflict, arguments and the word “no.” If we argue or lay down strong rules, we fear that our kids will disengage and we will lose them. So, we let them run the show.

» We should always be boosting their self-esteem.
When it comes to building our kids’ self-image, self-awareness, and self-confidence, we find anything that they are good at, spend money to get them better at it, and traipse around the country to clap on the sidelines.

» And keeping them plugged in with “like-minded” peers?
We send mixed messages to our kids by encouraging them to “fit in” with friends who dress, talk, and act just like them, but then tell them to stand up, “be different,” and say “no” if these same peers pressure them to drink or do bad stuff.

Our parenting decisions are based upon our fears.

So, parents, we must drill down to find our motives for our behaviors. Why do we do all of the above? Is it really because we believe that making a lot of money in the end leads to success, that not parenting makes kids happy, or that cheering on the sidelines really boosts their self-esteem? I don’t think so.

Deep down, we know there’s a different answer.

We do these things because we are afraid not to.

We are afraid not to push our son on the soccer field, lest he get left behind. We are afraid not to push our kids academically because then they may look like losers, and that would feel unbearable. We are frightened to pull them out of the busyness of activities and have them spend more time with us because that’s simply not what good parents do.

I submit that great parents dump their fears and simplify life for their kids. Keep your kids home more. Talk to them. Slow down and get control of your life.

Jump off the Crazy Train.

Our kids see right through what we are doing and the good news is they, too, want more of us and less busyness.

Are you ready to own your fears and say, “Enough!”?

You do it, and I promise your kids will thank you.

image credit: sxc.hu

Mom: Get Off the Crazy Train

Meg Meeker, MD — Mon, 06 May 2013 18:09:32 +0000

Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 12. To honor and celebrate you, Mom, this week I’m posting about the tough—but oh, so rewarding— job of motherhood. Today’s post is the first in a series that I’m calling “Get Off the Crazy Train.”

~~~

We’re all on it. It picks up speed each day, rumbling to the place we want to get to but have no idea what it’s like or even what it’s called. It is the crazy train, and we ride not because we want to.

As a matter of fact we hate it, but we ride because, well, everyone else we know is riding. They are there standing next to us, weaving back and forth with the same rhythm. Some are calmer; some are more anxious. But we are all there because that’s where we need to be. We think.

On the train, we awaken in the morning and start checking things off of our list. That list for most of us good, conscientious mothers looks something like this:

1. Make sure to breast feed each child until he is at least two.

2. Get him into the appropriate preschool, preferably one that will teach him colors, letters, and numbers, so that he is ready for kindergarten.

3. Don’t start him in kindergarten too early or too late because the consequences in high school could be serious.

4. Make sure he is in the fast reading group in first grade. If he isn’t, hire a tutor who will catch him up.

5. In second grade, make sure that sports, dance, and music lessons are started to help him figure out where his talents lie.

6. Volunteer as “Room Mom” for each child for at least one year; serve on the PTO Board, if at all possible.

7. When you bring snacks in for her birthday, make them beautiful: wheat, dairy, egg, and peanut-free, and of course, home made.

8. Never pick her up when you’re wearing spandex.

9. When she hits 4^th grade, make sure she is invited to sleepovers because your job is to make sure that her friends like her.

10. When she does homework, always help, review, edit and re-edit—especially from 6^th grade on. Grades really count now.

11. By 6^th grade, start her in two sports, arts, or musical groups each semester because your job is to uncover any talents which might take her to the Olympics or Carnegie Hall. When you find them, pour all of your resources into developing them because if you don’t, she might not get there.

12. Make sure she’s happy at all times because that’s what good moms do.

13.Work hard at work and be pleasant to your coworkers.

14. Get to the gym at least four times per week for an hour.

15. Lose that last ten pounds.

16. Always buy organic foods and cook hot meals from scratch.

17. Never buy your kids meals at a fast food restaurant.

18. Spend twenty minutes saying good night to each child.

19. Spend time with your husband in the evening.

20. Be nice.

Laugh if you must, but who among us doesn’t have at least most of these on our list? The truth is, we all have our lists; some of them are even longer and crazier than mine here.

You know what, Mom? This isn’t “the good life.”

Let’s take a step back and look at why we do what we do. If we are honest, most of us admit that we don’t like doing these things. In our hearts, we know that doing these things doesn’t assure us that our kids will be happy or successful.

We do them because we feel that that’s what good moms do. So I suggest that we stop.

If we asked our kids if this works, they would say no. Why? Because they don’t like living this way either. Our kids view life more simply. They want love, attention, and affection, and they want to know that we admire them for who they are—not for what they do. Any of us can give each of our kids those things. But I fear that we won’t as long as we adhere to the list we carry on the crazy train.

A Challenge for You

For this week, write down how much face-to-face time you spend with your kids. Then write down how much stuff you do during the day. If you see that you are running more than talking and not spending any time with your kids, cut something out so that you can just be with your kids. They want you, not the stuff you do for them.

So this week, if you’re still not sure about jumping, at least put your leg out and drag a foot over the edge.

LuAnne: A Lesson for Every Mother

Meg Meeker, MD — Fri, 03 May 2013 15:28:28 +0000

Don’t miss a special announcement at the end of today’s post! Read all the way to end to find out what’s happening on the blog next week.

~~~

My friend, LuAnne Crane, recently made one of the hardest decisions of her life.

She decided to leave a job she has loved for 30 years and be home with her high school-aged son.

For every mother who has lived the tension of working outside the home and caring for children, you know her angst. She loves her kids and wants to keep them as her first priority. But she loves her job and knows that God has gifted her with a passion for it. LuAnne’s situation is unique, though. She doesn’t have young children at home. As a matter of fact, three have left home and only one high schooler remains. So why leave a job she is called to and stay home? That’s where we mothers need to pay attention.

LuAnne has realized a truth that many of us mothers with older children miss: our teens need us more than our grade-schoolers. LuAnne sees that her son will be facing some of his toughest challenges yet. His friends may want him to do stupid things. So who will help him? LuAnne.

He will need to learn to drive, figure out whether he wants to date, struggle with friends who will drink, smoke weed, and take drugs. College is around the corner, and he will question himself repeatedly about whether he should go, where he should apply, or whether he should work. If he does apply to college, rejection letters will come and he will be shaken. Who will hear him as he works through the answers? His mom.

Here’s the real tough part for LuAnne. She’s in the homestretch with her son. She may wonder, Does he really need me? After all, our culture tells her that since her son is now a teen, his life revolves around his peers.

That’s Lie Number 1. All the best studies on teens report that the number one influence in a teen’s life that keeps them away from trouble is us—their parents. Period.

Then LuAnne will hear that her son won’t want her around.

That’s Lie Number 2. I have listened to literally thousands of teens over 25 years and can unequivocally state that the greatest pains in teens’ lives stem from fractured relationships with their mothers and fathers. Kids with mothers who take time to listen and love and with fathers who care enough to say “no” have much greater emotional stability. These are the kids who fly in life. Since she will be there, LuAnne’s son will stand a much better chance for succeeding after he leaves home.

LuAnne gets this. Leaving a post where she is admired, appreciated and loved is tough stuff. In the next months, the payoff won’t be immediate. As a matter of fact, the next three years may be grueling for her, depending upon her son’s struggles. But I can guarantee her one thing: the payoff will come. For her and for her son.

Moms, let’s not miss her example of selfless courage. Every one of us has lived with this tension. We want the accolades, the money, and the excitement that come from a career. But there is a price to be paid. When the price is too great for you, remember LuAnne. May each of us live with her kind of courage.

~~~

Today’s post kicks off our week-long focus on moms and motherhood. Next week, I’ll be posting about the important and difficult job of mothering and hosting give-aways of my book, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity.

Don’t miss a great time of celebrating mothers next week!

Pam Stenzel: A Modern Day Heroine

Meg Meeker, MD — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 19:05:23 +0000

My friend Pam Stenzel has recently come under heated attack, receiving vitriolic mail. Why? Because she speaks across the country to high-schoolers, trying to help them stay away from sex. And she does it very, very well.

Pam unabashedly uses the “A” word—that in-your-face-button-pushing one: abstinence. Honestly, I’ve never understood why that word bothers so many folks. We all abstain from things. I abstain from red wine because it triggers my migraines. I encourage my patients to abstain from smoking and using drugs, and good teachers abstain from being overly critical of kids in their classrooms. Each of us abstains from something every single day. So what’s the rub? Three things.

1. There is widespread misunderstanding about what teaching sexual abstinence to kids is about. Many parents believe that teaching abstinence means withholding critical information about birth control to kids. It doesn’t. It simply means that the entire of focus of the teaching is about how to postpone sex. But it is comprehensive in content.

2. Some believe that teaching sexual abstinence is used to teach moral values or religious leanings. The truth is, the abstinence movement was founded on moral and religious beliefs. However, since the explosion of sexually transmitted infections over the past 15 years, the medical community has jumped on board. One would be hard-pressed to find a physician in the U.S. who thinks that sexual activity (with or without condoms) is safe for kids.

Dr. Julie Gerberding said how dangerous sex was for kids in a 2004 letter to Congress when she addressed how we can drive down the rates of cervical cancer in the U.S. Her solution? Get kids to delay the sexual debut as long as possible and decrease the number of sexual partners to as few as possible. Sounds like teaching abstinence to me.

3. Teaching abstinence threatens business and politics everywhere. Can you imagine if we as a country came together (as we did with cigarettes) and told the media, clothing companies, and gaming companies to back off of our kids?

Selling sex to our kids is a multi-billion dollar industry, and simply put, lobbyists and lawyers representing those companies would wage war to keep sex in their marketing plans.

The reality is, our kids need us to help them delay sex. They feel so much pressure, and beginning sexual activity in the teen years leads them to no good place. I tell my patients, the younger they start, the greater their risk for infections, depression, pregnancy, and other problems. In my experience, kids listen when you speak to them directly and respectfully.

The Best Friends Foundation started by Elayne Bennett in Washington, D.C. has been wildly successful in helping teen girls and boys abstain from sex, drugs, and alcohol. After the first few years, teen pregnancy rates in Washington plummeted. Until Best Friends, they were among the highest in the country.

So let me ask you parents a question. Knowing that the CDC says that we are living with an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases (disproportionately concentrated among our youth), which cause everything from small warts to cancer to death, what do you want your kids to be taught?

Would you rather your child hear from a teacher who encourages him or her to simply take birth control or use condoms—or hear from Pam?

I’ll take Pam any day. So if you support her work, please let her know.

Parents: YOU WIN! Have You Forgotten?

Meg Meeker, MD — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 18:42:33 +0000

With the barrage of bad news in the country right now, it’s easy for parents to feel increasingly frightened. Many have told me over the past months that they feel like giving up. Raising kids—especially teens—in a world filled with violence, sexual imagery everywhere, and stories about kids taking meth can just about put a parent over the edge. We seem to do pretty well until our kids hit age 8. Then, the fear begins to settle in, and we start to feel the loss of control over their lives. Our daughters refuse to wear cute dresses. Our sons don’t want trucks; they want video games. Their friends invite them for the afternoon and a parent pops in a PG-13 movie for them to watch. Bad stuff streams at our kids all the time.

When our kids hit the teen years, we hear about sex, drugs, and alcohol. Deep down, we think that there’s really nothing we can do about these things. We believe that our kids are going to do what they want, and we should simply pray for them to get through those tough years relatively unscathed. Fear takes over and causes us to think like crazy people.

So let me give you a hefty dose of reality so that, hopefully, you can bat some of that paralyzing fear from your mind:

» First, you win. All of the great research shows that it is parents—not television, movies, actors, professional athletes, musicians, or even friends—who hold the most profound influence over their children. That means that yes, your son or daughter will be exposed to a whole lot of bad stuff, and yes, that will have an influence. But, none will compare with the influence you have. The reason is simple. Your kids are connected to you by a need-based love, which has been there from the beginning of their lives. They need you to love them. Therefore, they will do whatever it takes to get that love. This need drives their behavior. Since they don’t need the approval or love from other adults (even if they’re on a movie screen), these folks hold very little long-term power.

Certainly, your teen’s behavior may not look like he needs you, but he does. When kids are teens, they may act out and distance themselves from you. Remember that when they do, they do so not because of what you are doing (or not doing); rather, they do this because they are uncomfortable with themselves. In other words, their peculiar behavior usually isn’t about you; it’s about them.

»Second, you are there for the long haul; other people aren’t. Influences in your kids’ lives through media, peers, teachers, or music may impact them in the short term, but you are present when those influences wane. Your son may disagree with you for a while (even years), but he will eventually come to see that perhaps you were right after all. Again, he wants to stay connected to you because he wants your respect, love, and admiration. And your daughter? She will want to stay connected because there are two spots in her heart, which can only be filled by two people: one for Mom and another for Dad.

So don’t lose heart. Don’t let dark and ugly influences in your son’s or daughter’s life make you throw up your hands. No one—and I mean no one—compares to you in their lives.

:: IMPORTANT NOTES ::

I’m pleased to let you know that I’m now featured at Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk site. I’d love it if you’d check out my articles there and share them via social media. In my latest post, Why We Parents Need a Little Hammering, I discuss how to parent from faith, not fear.

~~~~~

Tomorrow, April 26, 2013, I have a radio interview with Dr. Dobson scheduled to air. It’s the first of a series of programs about the availability of Plan B, entitled “Protecting Your Child’s Sexuality.”

You can listen to show online here at the Family Talk website and find broadcast details for your local radio station here.

The Boston Tragedy: How to Talk to Kids When Bad Things Happen

Meg Meeker, MD — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:47:00 +0000

What a week it’s been! With the Newtown shootings still freshly on our minds, we were confronted with more horror on Monday as terrorists set off bombs in the crowd at the Boston Marathon.

Earlier this week, I had planned to post a link to an outstanding blog I read about ending school violence. The author, Peter Brown Hoffmeister, is a high school teacher, outdoorsman, father and author of The End of Boys. But most importantly, he was a self-described troubled teen who could have shot school kids. He and I agree on the potential dangers of violent video games, especially when played by isolated young men.

Written in response to the Newtown tragedy, his blog is extremely important, and I highly recommend that you read it, especially if you are a parent of a boy. Click here to read his post.

So, this topic was on my mind when the Boston news broke on Monday.

Whether it’s a mass shooting at an elementary school or a bomb in the crowd at a sporting event, no doubt your children are affected. I feel it’s important that we help our kids process hard information.

Often we focus on praying for the victims or talk about what the next move for the government should be, forgetting that little eyes are watching and ears are hearing. As disturbing as the Boston chaos (or Newtown tragedy) has been for us, it can be worse for our children. So we can’t let them get lost in the shuffle.

To that end, I want to encourage parents to reach out to your kids and help them through this difficult time.

If your kids are in elementary school, I suggest doing the following:

1. Initiate conversation.

Don’t wait until they come to you. Kids are listening to the television and to their friends talking, so they are thinking about the bombings. Initiating discussion won’t put ideas or fears in their minds; talking them through will help alleviate their fears.

2. Use simple language.

When telling them about the tragedies, you can say that someone who is very disturbed set bombs off on innocent people. Don’t tell gory details but say that people were hurt and many are in the hospital.

3. Talk about good and bad.

It’s good to tell kids that there is evil in the world and people who do very bad things. You can’t sugar-coat this. However, tell them that there are far more good people. Talk to them about all of the thousands of folks who ran to help the victims and the others who opened their homes to house those who were stranded.

4. Give them something to do.

I always tell my kids to pray for those who are in trouble. Even young children need to participate in a solution. Asking them to pray helps them feel that they can make a difference. Also, this helps strengthen their own faith and helps them learn to pray reflexively when life is tough.

5. Give them reassurance.

Tell your children that the chances of things like this happening to them are extremely small. That’s the truth. Children may have nightmares and worry about someone coming to your home and setting a bomb. So tell them that your job as Mom and Dad is to protect them and that you feel very confident in your abilities to do your job well.

If your kids are in junior high or high school:

1. Initiate asking about their thoughts.

By asking your kids about the tragedy, you give them the freedom to express their worries and fears. All kids get scared—even the tough ones—and they worry about something like this happening to them. So take the initiative to talk about the events and work hard at listening. If your kids don’t want to talk at first, don’t push; just reopen the conversation a few days later with something like, “What are your friends saying about the Boston tragedy?”

2. Broaden the scope of the conversation.

When talking about violent people, make sure to discuss reasons why people commit violence. You can talk about mental illness, evil, or different religious convictions people may have. Then, discuss that most people don’t do this. Talk about those who helped the victims and the kindness of others. If they want answers as to why bad things like this happen, tell them that you don’t understand. Don’t feel the need to be able to explain such violence.

3. Give them something to do.

As with younger children, it is important to give kids a way to help. Encourage them to pray, send letters of support, or join with others who are already offering assistance. It is important that older kids feel connected in some way if they want to.

4. Help allay fears.

Many older kids become frightened that the world is growing more violent and they become very down about it. While random violence is increasing, it is important to continue to give kids hope. It is helpful to tell them that the chances of this type of violence striking them is still small but that coming together as a community is important in trying to solve these issues.

What’s been your experience in speaking with your children about recent tragedies, such as Newtown and the Boston Marathon bombings?