My Teen Speaks a Different and Scary Language
Any parent who has read text messages on her son’s phone recognizes a peculiar phenomenon: the words aren’t the same as he uses when he speaks. He uses acronyms and shorthand: OMG, BTW, GTG, LOL, 2nite, or msg. But odd language doesn’t stop with onfusing combinations of letters and numbers. Sometimes it gets downright seedy.
Many parents choke when they see profanity on their ten-year-old daughter’s phone or naked pictures on the screen of their fourteen-year-old son’s phone. Parents get scared because they wonder if these are the tip of the iceberg or a brief aberration from the normal texts. Their concerns are legitimate because the truth is, kids have the ability to live and function in a very private world where their parents aren’t allowed.
And the isolation that parents feel only begins with cell phones. Our kids are on computers at school and literally millions of people online have access to them. Virtually anyone can say anything that he wants to our kids at anytime, and we won’t know about it. Besides receiving profanity, many kids use it when communicating electronically leaving parents to wonder, why would my eleven-year-old sensitive, shy, and mild-mannered daughter receive and send text messages full of profanity?
The answer is simple: they get her attention. Besides, that’s what all of her friends are doing. She’s just blending in because that’s what eleven-year-old girls do. No, they’re not bad kids. They’re normal kids trying to navigate a far less intimate world than they live in with you. In the electronic world, they can text or post what they want without seeing someone laugh or sneer. Kids text things they would never say because the receiver isn’t standing in front of them. So what’s a parent to do? Let them have free reign? That’s pretty tough to do when we’re scared.
We can’t be there watching every text or seeing every post they put on Facebook. But we do need to be involved not only for our kids’ safety, but also because encouraging healthy, respectful behavior is a big part of good parenting.
I suggest that parents embrace a different attitude when it comes to electronic stuff that our kids have. Kids do crazy things when they feel no accountability to anyone. They can experiment with profanity and anything else if they feel that no one (especially, you) is looking.
So let them know that you always have access to whatever they say to anyone through any media platform. In the “old days” this is how families functioned. When someone wanted to talk to a family member, he or she called the home phone, which was usually located in the kitchen, and everyone heard the conversation. It’s funny how differently kids speak when they know that Mom, Dad, and big brother are listening.
You can’t see or hear everything that your child writes or says, but you need to check the phone and have access to her Facebook page. She needs to know that since the phone is yours (not hers), that you will take a look whenever you want. You don’t do this because you want to communicate that you don’t trust her; it isn’t a matter of trust. Your concern is that others may be saying things about her that hurt. You, as her parent, need to see all of that.
Knowing that you have full access to all messages at anytime changes what kids say. At first they protest because they feel that they have the right to full privacy at fourteen, but who says this should be? Her friends say; that’s who.
Good thing that her friends aren’t her parents; you are.
5 Responses to “My Teen Speaks a Different and Scary Language”
And why does a 10yr old or a 14yr. old has to have a phone?
Parents need to not only pay close attention, they need to be ready to shut it all off. That’s my policy. I pay the bills, I control the content!
Judith,
I’m generally in agreement with you. Check out ‘Bringing Up Geeks’ by Marybeth Hicks for more thoughts regarding raising kids using guidelines that aren’t as prevalent in the mainstream (Marybeth basically said No to texting/IMing, so their kids just weren’t able to do it). Funny though- many parents act as if saying no to some of these things simply isn’t an option. I don’t understand that.
Now having said all that… even an iPod touch allows your child to message, Skype, take pictures, video, and obviously surf the big ‘ol Net. No ‘phone’ needed. So you have to consider controls, etc. But mostly, I think it’s about being involved and aware about what they’re doing. And I agree with Dr. Meeker- if they’re going to use that stuff (that is, if I let them), then I’m going to have access to all of it, anytime I want. Perhaps a journal is different; maybe that’s a place where they can have their ‘own space’ and privacy. But I feel anything that connects them to the outside world has to fall under the parent’s jurisdiction, because their sweet little brains just aren’t fully developed yet.
I do agree with you, don’t get me wrong, my kids, who are 2,5 and 7 are not technologically handicap…yes, even the 2yr old! They all know how to use MY iPad, MY iPod and the two older have a user on my MacBook. The deal is, I’m a geek myself… so I have blocked cameras, browsers and other applications and settings that I think they should be using, including messaging. On the computer, I have only authorized certain websites they can go, if they want to try to go somewhere else I have to authorize that with my admn password, also with an automatic time limit.
I’m not a no-sayer mother, but I like to apply that old fashion common sense, which I find that is not that common anymore. We are raising our kids on a narcissist society were kids just take everything for granted and they feel they are entitled to everything!
I might have a harsh approach for to the subject, but we are trying to raise our kids with the understanding that they have five basic rights on our home, that’s roof over the heads, clothing, food, to be safe and to be provided with an education: all the rest is a privilege. Daddy and Mommy don’t have to get them toys or take them to Disney, we do it because we love them and because they are well behaved, loving, deserving kids and they have earned it with their actions and attitudes (or lack of). But I know that in a couple of years we are gonna have to have the “talk” about why they are not having a phone like their friends, and our conclusion is “because you are only 10, you don’t need one”.
I agree, parents need to be more involve in what their kids are doing on any electronic devices. Just because the child is sitting right in front of you, does not mean they are not being influence by the outside world! I have children who are 6, 9 and 14 years old. Boy! have we(my husband and I) learned some life lessons which will not repeat with the younger two.Needless to say, our 14 year old daughter does not have a phone. Nor, after 3 years of not having one, wish to have. Believe it or not they do adjust. She now understand why her privileges were taken away and can appreciate we were looking out for her! That makes them feel more loved than material gifts in the long run.