A Foolproof Way to Give Your Child a Strong Self Image
Earlier this week, I wrote about news anchor Jennifer Livingston, who stood up to a viewer’s remarks about her weight. In that video, she says she has three young girls. I say those girls are especially blessed to have Jennifer as a mom. You can bet that they will grow up with a solid sense of knowing themselves and will get what makes them important.
Kids develop a strong and healthy self image by watching their parents. When a daughter sees her mother refuse to be made fun of because of her weight or any other perceived weakness, that daughter likes what she sees. Every daughter wants to see her mother stand up for what is right. But she not only applauds her mother; she learns some very important lessons about herself, too.
When a daughter watches her mother’s behavior, she does two things. First, she tries the behavior out. She may mimic her mother’s speech, tone of voice, or parrot her message. Then, if she likes the behavior, she will internalize it and allow it to become part of her character. In a very real sense, she gets part of her identity by watching her mother and “becoming her,” if you will. This is very important for mothers to understand.
Many of us try to figure out what to say to our children and how to say it. Instead, we should be paying closer attention to how we are speaking to others and what we are saying to them. Because it’s what we say in front of our kids—not to them—that changes who our kids become. In Jennifer Livingston’s situation, she needn’t tell her daughter anything about how to handle a bully; she just gave her the most powerful teaching tool she has. She fought the bully off.
Many times I am asked to speak to kids about important things like sex, drugs, and alcohol. My preference is always to speak to parents, instead, because I have learned a few critical things about kids and what changes who they become. We—you and I—can tell them things and we must. But far more important is being good adults in front of our kids because our actions change them far more powerfully than our words. And when it comes to who influences kids better—their peers, a professional like me, or their parents—there is no contest. A parent holds all the power in a child’s life because every child is connected to his parents by his needs. He wants to know what his parents think, feel, and believe in. Once he can figure this out, then he is on his way toward modeling his behavior after his mother’s or father’s.
Giving your child a healthy self esteem is as easy as behaving well in front of them. So to you mothers who feel bullied or manipulated, stand up for yourselves. Have the courage to stop being pushed around. And to you fathers who feel like you are pulled in the wrong direction, have the chutzpah to do what is right. Someone very important in your life will be watching and then go and do the same.
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18 Responses to “A Foolproof Way to Give Your Child a Strong Self Image”
Thanks for sharing, Dr. Meeker!
Thanks for the reminder!!!
Yes, I agree. I am the biggest influence in my daughters lives. I don’t remember being bullied since I’ve had children, at least not to my face. So I haven’t had that teaching moment to stand up for myself. We’ve talked about being bullied and what my daughter should do in that case. I also try hard to talk positive about other people (especially while I’m driving!) so that she’ll pick up on that. Honestly, this can be hard. I just need to make a more focused effort at it.
Posted on facebook!
Dr. Meeker,
I whole-heartedly agree with this post! I was wondering if I could ask your advice on a situation I recently encountered at a park with my three children…We were happily climbing a tree around a group of mothers. Each mother was tending to one daughter. I overheard them gossiping about a group of nearby boys and how unruly they were. Two of my boys were among the group and I was immediately angered. They were not unruly, just boys! I contemplated saying something to this group, but decided against it, knowing I would not remain civil and also knowing whatever I said wouldn’t be received well. Instead, I redirected our group to another area of the park. I have been going back and forth about what I should have done for days. Normally, I do not avoid conflict, but am I showing my children it’s ok for others to speak badly about us?
Thanks!
Thank you for this! It’s so important we are a good example to our children, and such a challenge to remember they mimic us and how we are with others not just how we act towards our children themselves. I need to remember that more!
LOVE this message!!
another important thing to remember is to empathize with our kids when they experience bullying. we might act tough to tell off other adults but we can’t expect our kids to do that every time. it’s important they know you understand their hurt feelings and that you’ve been there.
Such an important message! Children most always do as we do, not as we say, in all areas of our lives.
We tell them not to cheat, yet we talk about cheating the IRS, or taking things from work because we are owed or we are deserving.
We tell them to be honest, yet they hear us lie all too often.
One area that really gets to me is in the vein you speak of: self-image. With apologies, I will borrow from a post I wrote about beauty:
We remind our daughters that they are beautiful, both in our eyes and God’s, that what counts is what is inside.
And yet, with all our support and love and helping them take their first steps across the living room floor and then through the hazards of the teen years, we may be setting an example that is absolutely counter to what we pray for them.
How many of you shun the camera, put your hand in front of your face or threaten death to anyone who does attempt to capture your image?
“Oh, no. You don’t need me in the picture. I look awful. Just you, hon, and the kids. That’s great. That’s all I need.”
I. Look. Awful.
We work so hard to be good role models to our daughters, and here we are-regularly-teaching them that our words mean nothing, that when push comes to shove, it is the outer beauty that is the most important.
Have you ever thought of it that way, ladies?
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Sorry to go on so long. This is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart!
What a great reminder to model for our daughters the kind of behavior that we would like her to follow!
LOVE your posts- I send them to many many other moms I know!
Kristine
I “liked” this post on FB
Thank you for the reminder, and grateful for a blog where the comments are just as information in the post!
Thank you for the reminder. I recently found your books and love your advice!
Always amazed at the moments I see my children responding in ways similar to my own. Sometimes it’s good…sometimes not so much.
Great reminder of action speaks louder than words
Just wanted to say thank you for your Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters book. This is a well written and life changing publication that every man should read, even if he has no daughters.
Keep up the excellent work, Dr. M.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget we set the greatest example