Guest Post: Dr. Tim Elmore on Artificial Maturity
Note from Meg: Today’s post is a guest entry from my friend, Dr. Tim Elmore. Keep an eye on Dr. Elmore’s blog and later this week you’ll see my guest post regarding the 30-day Challenge.
See below how you can win a copy of the book! NOTE THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED. STAY TUNED AS WE RANDOMLY SELECT A WINNER NEXT WEEK.
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They grow up so fast, don’t they? “My seven-year-old taught me how to download music.” “My fifth grader wants a tattoo.” But how about this perspective? “My college grad wants me to call his boss.” “My 30-year old won’t move out of the house.” The pervasive lamenting about how kids today seem older at an earlier age is being counteracted with the fact that they don’t seem to want (or aren’t able) to grow up.
Adolescence is expanding in both directions—starting earlier and ending later. Children desire to enter it earlier, having been exposed to teen websites, social media, reality TV, explicit movies and unlimited time on screens that beckon them into the teen mentality. Their world is often unattached to the adult world. At the same time, young adults linger in adolescence long into their twenties and sometimes thirties. Adolescence is no longer a doorway into adulthood. It is a season of life.
Artificial maturity is the idea that children are consuming such a large amount of information every day that they think they are mature, fostering over-confidence and often arrogance among them. In reality, they lack the self-awareness, real life experience and emotional maturity that allow them to cope with the world around them.
The following is an excerpt from my new book, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenge of Becoming Authentic Adults. It is a sequel to Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, and is literally a solution book for the challenges we face as we teach, lead and raise kids. I write to pinpoint the reasons kids can’t seem to grow up, and every chapter provides ideas to meet the challenge … ideas that have come from our work with kids all over the world. I hope you find it informative and useful.
(The following is an excerpt)
Please Say No
I just finished doing some staff training with a great group of leaders who serve in a non-profit organization. They work with young adult volunteers between 17 and 25 years old.
During our discussion, one of the staff members told me that her roommate is an elementary school teacher who is finishing her training as an educator. What she told me next was incredible. She said those teachers were instructed to never say “no” to the children. The school felt the word “no” was damaging. Instead, the teachers were to respond to poor behavior by saying: “I would prefer that you do this instead.”
I am guessing the reasoning behind such guidance is they don’t want to curb those kids’ creativity and personal expression. They don’t want to create a negative environment for them. In fact, in many schools, teachers are not only prevented from saying “no,” administrators have asked them not to use red ink when grading papers. They say it comes across too judgmental and harsh. While I recognize the need for positive environments, I wonder if we’ve gone too far.
I can’t help but think what a disservice this is to those young students. The world they will soon enter will certainly say “no” to them. In fact, many of the “no’s” they’ll hear are not negative at all. They are positive, productive words of counsel filled with more wisdom than those kids possess at the time.
I was like any other kid growing up. I hated hearing the word “no.” Since becoming an adult, however, I have learned the benefits of that word:
- Hearing the word “no” actually may force me toward a better alternative.
- Hearing the word “no” may save me from harm that I am prone to inflict on myself if I get my own way all the time.
- Hearing the word “no” actually prepares me for the real world, which often uses this word.
- Hearing the word “no” may build discipline inside of me that I would never develop if I simply heard the word “yes.”
- Hearing the word “no” fosters creativity inside of me, as I must look for other solutions than the easy one I came up with the first time.
This generation of adults is determined to build positive self-esteem in kids today. I applaud that goal. I am concerned, however, with the number of 20-somethings I meet who are ill-prepared for the marketplace because of the unreal world they experienced as a child. It can even cause many of them to become clinically depressed, as noted in the book, Quarterlife Crisis.
When spoken in the right spirit—the word “no” is marvelously helpful. Children need to hear it. Athletes need to hear it. Students need to hear it. Young employees need to hear it. It makes them stronger. In fact, it might just get a young person to the goal they wish for—more efficiently.
Caring adults must try to see into the future. In the long-range scheme of things, will a constant series of “yes” responses prepare Generation Y for the real world? Or, can we lay down some helpful tracks for them by saying “no?” The further into the future we can see, the more wisely we will lead our children and the more likely we are to say “no.”
Are you seeing artificial maturity in your children? What are you doing to move them to authentic maturity?
- Dr. Tim Elmore, President of Growing Leaders
We’re giving away a copy of Artificial Maturity here on the blog! Please note the giveaway is now closed. We will announce a winner shortly…
Your name will be entered for a chance to win when you leave a comment on this post. For additional entries, “share” this blog post on Facebook or Twitter, just please leave a note here in the comments section letting us know.
Good luck!
20 Responses to “Guest Post: Dr. Tim Elmore on Artificial Maturity”
I am a single dad raising my now 13year old daughter. When she was 4 years old I wrote down what was to become “our family motto”
“Esse quam videri”. Latin= “to be rather than appear to be”
To this day it still holds true for both of us.
Great motto! Thanks for sharing!
Discipline can not be learned without learning the value of “No.” This really is prompting me to get connected with my school district.
My oldest will be entering kindergarten this fall, and I hope that this philosophy of not using the word “No” or experiencing and learning from failure and the value of self-restraint and finding better choices has not infiltrated our school system…but I better find out.
So true! It’s definitely worth having a conversation with administration and your child’s teacher to find out how they view this important topic.
Excellent topic! Can’t wait to read this!
Hope you enjoy and find it helpful!
Sounds like good advice!
Thanks!
About 10 years ago when I was in school to become a teacher, one class discussion did center on the harm of using a red pen to correct students’ papers. I think what the teacher writes has more impact. Positive, encouraging feedback along with the correction will always be vital. Now, as a parent I fail to see why there has been so much emphasis on children’s self esteem. My children have no problems with ego issues! They do need to learn humility and to develop pride in a job done well with perseverance and real skill.
I do believe that children’s lack of real-life experience leads to this overinflated confidence. Parents and teachers should look for opportunities to build real self-esteem and confidence by guiding students to significant, age-appropriate experiences.
Soubds like an excellent read. Really want this on my bookshelf!!
Thanks! Good luck in the contest!
Just finishing up reading Generation iY and it is INCREDIBLE. Anxious to finish it and read this (and it sure would be nice to read a FREE copy)
Thanks Tim! Love the Habitudes stuff and Gen iY. Seen you speak at Catalyst a few times. As a life long youth ministry guy, I appreciate your ministry very much! Blessings (whether I win a free copy or not!)…
I picked this book up on my Kindle (early release!) and it’s GREAT! (So don’t enter me into the contest!) I’m not a parent (yet), but my wife and I work with middle school and high school students, and we see the effects of this on a regular basis. We are doing what we can BEFORE we have kids to get them ready for the world that they will inherit.
I LOVE what you had to share on this topic & your book sounds amazing! Thank you for addressing these issues with our kids- I appreciate your wisdom & thought provoking perspective.
My husband and I both served in the military… young people with that future ahead most certainly will have a rude awakening if they don’t hear “no” before they report! Would love to read the book! Thanks!
Wish I had this information years ago when I was raising my daughter. Perhaps I can use it for my grandkids.
I am very excited to be in the running for this book. I tweeted and shared on FB as well. I couldnt agree more with this material! It should be mandated that parents read this!
This sounds great, would love to win!
Great topic! 15 years ago or so, I was trying to teach 4 and 5 year old children in a Montessori approach religion class. I was instructed to let the children explore the materials themselves and never give them an answer – they had to find it on their own.
During one of the training sessions, the instructor was proud because she let a young child walk away from the lesson believing God was a woman. Now I’ve heard that the Holy Spirit can have feminine attributes – but God is Our Father in heaven. This did not sit well with me. I was wondering why the child was not told NO – NEVER. All the trainees were happy with this outcome – except me.
Later, while observing a young child playing with little figurines of the nativity set – I asked her if she knew what was in the three gifts from the wise men? She said, “bombs.” I was not suppose to tell her otherwise – like no – but did correct her by making it brief and telling her they were special gifts.
The program has improved since this time but I didn’t stay with this class after these incidents. I also mentioned them to our priest and informed him of how upset I was at this. Remember – this was years ago. It is a real problem – maybe now we are seeing the results of this.
My children were homeschooled through high school and we were fortunate to attend very good private high schools. My college sons are showing great maturity now. We were not affected by this mentality during the education process. I worry for those who may have been influenced the wrong way by this.