Ask Meg: The Mess of Divorce and the Courts
A gentlemen recently wrote me to ask my thoughts on messy divorces and how parents can maintain respectability while going through the process. I told him I would respond via my blog:
I have had the unpleasant duty of testifying in court on behalf of both mothers and fathers when a divorce has occurred. I am frustrated for parents on several accounts. First, in my state, most fathers get a really bum deal. I have seen good dads get very little time with their kids because the mother is mad as a hornet, thinks he’s a creep and wants to get back at him. In situations like this, in my experience, it’s fairly easy to sway the judge or friend of the court that dad shouldn’t be in the kids’ lives. There are some pretty unfair and angry judges out there. When children get cut off from a good dad, it breaks my heart. Sure, mom may think he’s a creep, but remember, children can never divorce their parents. So, regardless of what you think of your ex- the kids are emotionally tied to him or her. And you, as the custodial parent owe it to your children to help them have as healthy of a relationship as possible with the other parent. Clearly, if there is frank abuse, the parent should be cut off (whether mom or dad) but usually this isn’t the case. Dad’s just mad at mom or vice versa.
Since the father is usually the one who gets the shaft, I have a few suggestions. First, get a good lawyer. If you don’t fight for your children, you won’t get them. Second, if your ex wife fills their head with poison, don’t panic. They will believe her (at least for a while), so you need to go overboard to live an upstanding and good life. You need to convince them otherwise and you can- but it will take years, not months. Never give up! ,Sometimes they won’t come back to you until they are in their twenties, but be patient. If you take the high road and continue to show them you love them, they’ll circle back around to you.
For mothers who are battling a cruel ex husband, you need a good lawyer too. If their dad is abusive, you, too will need to fight for the kids. If he isn’t abusive, remember that you may be angry with him and hate him, but your kids still need their dad. Much as you don’t like this, they do. They have a very different relationship with him than you do (did) and they deserve that relationship. You must do whatever you can to make the relationship stronger. This includes not criticizing him in front of the kids (that’s what girlfriends are for), work with him and be polite in front of the kids. Ditto for you angry fathers.
Divorce is a killer for kids. Many parents feel that kids are resilient and can fair pretty well during a divorce, but I encourage you to take the pain that you feel, triple it and realize that’s how your kids feel. They can get beyond the pain, but it will take a long time. You owe it to them to work as hard as you can with your ex-spouse in a civil, mature, polite manner to minimize their pain. And remember moms, kids always need and want their fathers. And dads, remember, your kids always need and want their mom. So do your best to help them out.
7 Responses to “Ask Meg: The Mess of Divorce and the Courts”
As a newly divorced father of one who prepared for, fought for and received 50/50 custody and decision making, I have a hard time accepting that “just take the high road and they will come back around in their 20′s” is an acceptable or even possible choice. I would urge any man divorcing not to accept or even entertain that tragic advice.
I am sorry, but if your only advice is hire a good lawyer, I would predict that he would already have lost.
Dear Meg,
What do you say to the two replies above? I have offered advice similar to yours to my present lady friend, who divorced her husband of 25 yrs. as he was abusive to both their only daughter (a medical marriage) and her. The problem is, her daughter has chosen to live with her dad (she is 19), fearing to alienate her abusive dad, as she fears losing her inheritance (it is substantial). It upsets my friend to no end, and she is often uncontrollable angry.
Dr. Meg I am a huge fan and I have read both of the strong fathers strong daughters book in the last month. However getting a good lawyer doesn’t work. Before court even begins the judge has his/her mind made up. My wife had an affair, she took my daughter and moved in with the guy while we were still separated. She went on record denying she was having the affair even though we hired a pi and had proof. When we got to court the judge gave me liberal visitation which was every other weekend. I have since gotten a new lawyer and she has done less for me. Judges make decisions that will help them in retaining their bench when reelection comes. Let me go on record saying this though. My daughter, who is 5, and I have a great relationship. Actually it is a fantastic relationship. I may only get her every other weekend but I eat lunch with her every Friday and like clock work I call her everyday. I am never late picking her up and when I have her she has my full attention. So I have to agree with you on taking the high road. My ex constantly does things to try to sway my daughter but even at 5 she knows that she can’t trust her. So to sum it up, dads have very little chance of ever getting custody no matter the situation or how good their lawyer is but a dad can still impact their daughters life by going above and beyond to make them feel special and constantly letting them know that they love them more than anything.
As a 27-yr-old child of divorced parents, I agree with Dr. Meeker’s advice. I find it ironic that while my father, who did nothing in the court to fight for us, never uttered a bad word about my mother, while my mom, to this day, still bad mouths him. They’ve been divorced for over 20 years.
I have a hard time accepting the fact that any man (or woman) could allow their ex-spouse to gain sole custody (when they’ve not been abusive, etc.) and take them across the country. I have always felt like I was “out of sight, out of mind” and it’s caused a huge strain between my dad and I to this day.
I agree with the above poster – they will NOT likely come around in their 20′s. By not fighting for 50/50, you are alienating your children, and it will be felt for years to come.
The best advice I got was don’t ever say anything bad about your children’s other parent because they will grow up and hate you for it in the long run.
I tell friends who are divorcing that the goal should be to give the children in the divorce the same family they where born into (children should be conceived out of a mutual love and desire to share that experience with a child). Don’t make your child choose sides protect their right to an innocent childhood that is filled with love from both parents.
This is a thinly veiled flippant anti-divorce article. It offers no real advice or alternatives for divorcing parents, in fact I think its meant to enflame people already 4x more likely to commit suicide.
Not talking bad about your ex is about the most intellectually lazy advice you can give/get from an MD. ‘Get a good lawyer’ is beyond reproach. Should I drink more water and get more exercise too?
Eric,
Been there, experienced it. I’m a CPA with an MBA so I can tell you some of the things I have learned along the way.
Meg, I respect what you do (my Mom is a very Catholic, very conservative republic retired therapist) and you have at least have the decency to admit good men get beaten up by the courts. What your profession sometimes fails to do is examine the business model the divorce industry operates under.
1. The Family Law industry is incredibly lucrative for Judges on the bench and the divorce lawyers who donate to their re election campaigns. There is an incentive to make the process long and expensive.
2. For every dollar paid through the child support system, the federal government gives the states $0.25 to put into the general fund which supports the expenses (salaries of the courts)
3. The feminist groups are well organized and well funded and lobby vigorously to shoot down every shared parenting bill.
4. Like the stereotypical DMV employee, salary and job security are not tied to positive outcomes for judges in this system.
Here is the harsh reality:
That career you built in order to allow you to pay for the kids college of choice and retire by 60 is now going to be used for the purposes for which you built it. An enormous chunk of your present and future wealth is going to your ex wife. Let me give you some examples below from a men I have spoken with. Meg, please understand that there are a large number of men who don’t want to pay child support because they want the fruit of their labor to go to the benefit of their KIDS instead of their ex wives.
I know of women that get primary residency that have:
1. Made false claims of domestic violence against their husbands that were ridiculous and proven false in
a deposition. What was admitted was that she was hitting her husband. Lawyers actually coach women to do this. (Note: The police will do nothing to help a man in this situation.)
2. Made false claims toward men of sexually abusing their daughters that were proven false.
3. Were caught with a DUI with SIX kids in the car.
4. Took kids on dates with the man they were cheating on their Dad with.
You can have the best lawyer in town, she can have the worst. You can be the nicest man on the planet and spend all of your time providing for your family, coaching your kids soccer team and taking your kids on trips your soon to be ex declines to go on so she can get time alone in your bed with some jackass whose hope of affording a home is to live in yours. YOU CAN’T ESCAPE. Don’t fight it. You will only run up enormous debts from legal fees.
The best advice I can give any man:
1. Consult with every “Good” lawyer in town. That way your ex wife can’t use them to take your kids as well as your money. It’s called blocking.
2. Mediators are a great idea in theory, but the education requirements are weak and you could end up with a very inaccurate result. I would be very careful about their use. In my opinion, you can do almost everything a mediator does if you have a decent relationship with your soon to be ex.
3. No matter what you ex wife does, don’t get mad or upset. She will not get in trouble for pushing, hitting or otherwise antagonizing you. Find out the amount you have to pay her in child support, tell her to make a fair offer to you for her half of the equity in the house and tell her you will agree to a legal separation rather than a divorce to keep her on your health insurance if she is reasonable with these things. (A legal separation allows you to do everything except remarry.) Keeping you on your insurance will cost you an extra $20 a month if you already have the kids.
4. The court is going to frown upon any complaints you have with her violating the visitation schedule. Pick your battles.
Settle your case quickly. 45% of what you have is far more than 50% of what is left after a legal battle. Your bills from the legal battle might be as high as what you pay her in “support.”
Don’t talk badly or get into battles with your ex for practical reasons. She has the power of the government behind her. She can and will crush you.