Dads, what would YOU do?
Today, I’m trying something new. Below is a common problem that parents face at one time or another. Dads (and Moms), I’m interested to hear what you would do…
On Monday, I’ll post my answer…
Q: A few weeks ago a couple came into my office to chat about their 14 year old daughter “Hannah.” She was a stellar student, played three sports and had never given them any trouble. She was the oldest of their two daughters. They received a call from Hannah’s best friend’s mother who was concerned because her best friend said that Hannah had been sexually active with three boys over the past year. The girl’s parents were so stunned because to their knowledge, Hannah had never even hinted to them that she had a boyfriend.
When her parents asked Hannah whether or not she had been sexually active, she cried and denied it. They believed her until her best friend, desperate to help her, showed them a text that Hannah had sent a boy at her school telling him how much she enjoyed their sexual escapades. When her parents confronted her again, she came clean and told them that she indeed had been having sex with different boys They came asking for my advice.
What do you think Hannah’s parents should do? What would you tell them?
Share your answers below in the comments section!
7 Responses to “Dads, what would YOU do?”
The first thing to do is acknowledge that having the desires is a natural thing for her body to do, and that those desires are very difficult to resist. Second, explain that the ability to resist them is what makes a person mature…not the act of giving in. This is an attempt to appeal to her ego.
The key is to not make her feel ashamed or guilt-ridden, but to boost her confidence in her own intellect.
Last, a period of incarceration seems appropriate too.
Thanks Keith! I agree with you- Meg
Casual sex seems to be the norm with too many teens. As parents, we would have a chat from both sides. Dad with why boys try to go so far and mom with why we all want to be loved and in a relationship. A friend quoted: Girls have sex to have a relationship, boys have a relationship to have sex. Love her, but don’t stop talking to her and she gets the opposite message everyday from friends, TV and music. Have her tested.
Tough one. I would sit down with her and discuss her feelings of sex and why she felt she needed to have sex. I would then ask her what the boys felt or thought about her. After getting her opinion, I would correct her statements by letting her know that her feelings will never match the boy’s feelings until she is much older (20 something). Until then, she isn’t ready to have the responsibilities of sex. I would then spend a lot more time with her, doing whatever, but she would be by my side during all of her free time for many months to come. Oh, we would do things she wanted, but I would be there.
She wouldn’t have cell phone that could txt at 14 in my house. And if she has a cell phone at all, which doubtful, I’d know who she is calling and how long she is on the phone with them. Hopefully, that would help prevent this hypothetical from happening… That said, life happens and children make bad decisions, so if I found myself in that situation:
First, tell her we love her, and nothing she will ever do will change that. And explain that what we are about to do will seem unfair and cruel, but we are doing because we want the best for her. Actions have consequences.
Second, explain that God meant for sex to be between a man and a woman who are in the confines of marriage. While she might feel the urge and desire to have sex now, that she should show maturity and postpone sexual activity until after marriage. I’d also reiterate that sex is never just sex. It is something emotional, it is something spiritual and every time you have sex your sharing a piece of your heart. When she have casual sex, she is giving pieces of herself away, and to continue down this path will leave her feeling bad about who she is, hollow and depressed. Tell her to wait, save herself for someone who is worthy to have the whole of who she is. Let her know what she is worthy of waiting. A special beautiful miracle of God. That she should expect so much more from the person she will spend the rest of her life with, then these boys.
Third, I’d let her know about the dangers of STDs, pregnancy and that no contraception is 100% effective. Yeah, it’s a scare tactic, but casual sex is drastic offence. I’d try to be careful not to put it on too strong, but in the heat of the moment, I might not be thinking so clearly.
Fourth, I’d likely take her in to be tested for STDs or pregnancy. One, because early treatment is important, and making sure she is healthy is important. Two, it also adds the the scare tactic.
Fifth, forbid her from having any contact with the boys in question, ever. She violated our trust by sneaking around, by lying to us and disobeying the rules of the house. Until we can trust her again, she is to come home immediately after school and won’t be going out with friends for a very long time. I might allow the girl who informed us of the issue to come over after a few months into the grounding — hoping that girl’s seemingly better judgement would rub off on her.
Sixth, ask why she felt she had to have sex. See if there is something we weren’t doing that we should have. Is her self esteem this damaged, or was she not getting enough attention, etc.? (My wife would likely jump into this earlier than I’d get there, but it would in the list) This wouldn’t change any of the above, but would likely add a change in our behavior or add something else to the mix.
I like that … you said in more detail what I was thinking, but didn’t write down. Though, what you didn’t say that I did was I would keep her at my side, even when at home. If I left to go somewhere and she was at home, even if my wife were there, I would still take her with me.
I would school her 4 days on STDs & the danger 2 her fertility & overall health . . .