Men and Women Parent Differently (And That’s a Good Thing)

Men and Women Parent Differently (And That's a Good Thing)


Recently, Brooke Glassberg reached out to me regarding an essay she had written for Yahoo Parenting.  I wanted to share it with you!

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My husband, Brian, and I are on the same page about everything. Politics, music, food, we’ve ridden the same wavelength for more than a decade. Even when we were ambivalent about having a baby, I always knew he’d be an awesome dad, and the idea of him feeding a newborn a bottle or rough-housing with a little kid helped push me into the “we can do this” column.

So when our daughter was born, I was blindsided — absolutely gobsmacked — by how differently we operated. Not better or worse, just different. He was OK with her crying (it cut through me like electricity); he wasn’t phobic about the TV being on (I was pretty confident it was scrambling her brain); he continued getting dinners made and light bulbs changed without feeling he was depriving her of adequate eye-contact or tummy time; pants and bibs are optional. He does not liberally dispense Puffs. And he has no problem saying when he isn’t having any fun.

Of course, these “infractions” are minor in the grand scheme of things. What I did not understand at first, though, is how useful they are.

“Women and men parent very differently — and this is a great thing,” says Dr. Meg Meeker, author of the bestselling “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters.” “My husband and I raised four kids while sharing a medical practice and, even as pediatricians, we disagreed on how to do things. Dads approach parenting with different priorities than we mothers do. They tend to care less about dress, eating habits, and other details. Instead, dads tend to want to play with kids more and challenge them more, and this can help kids gain confidence.”

With sons, Meeker says, parents play distinct but key roles. “I tell parents that, for boys, life is all about mom during the first 10 years and dad during the second 10. It’s an oversimplification, but mothers bring boys a sense of comfort, stability and an emotional vocabulary. When boys hit puberty and the teen years, they need to spend time with their fathers to learn how to be good men.”

A father’s involvement matters even more to a daughter. Studies have shown that his physical affection is the best way to elevate her self-esteem, and that girls who spend more time with their dads go through puberty later than girls who don’t have a father at home. They’re also at a much lower risk for depression, anxiety, and high-risk behaviors like sex, drugs, drinking. Dads help raise women who are more likely to go on to college and grad school.

But that doesn’t make it easier when you’re in the moment, watching your husband make a parenting call that you don’t necessarily agree with. But the best thing to do is to let go.

It’s a thousand times better to have Brian helping out his way than not at all, as was the case even a generation ago, and two points of view are more instructive than one. “If a father pitches in on childcare, mothers should stay quiet about how dad dresses them, bathes them, and all the rest. Robbing a child of Dad’s quirkiness would rob him of some terrific memories and bonding. Adequate time with each parent is far more important than worrying about getting tasks done just right.”

“My advice to moms like me — worried, controlling and absolutely convinced that we know the best way to do things — is this: Let up on dads. They bring an element to child-rearing that we don’t. Just because we’re pickier about some things doesn’t mean we’re better,” says Meeker.

As soon as that sting wears off, I’m going to pour myself a glass of red and let Brian do bedtime.

Desperate Mom of Fighting Boys

Dear Dr. Meg,

I am a mother of boys. One is 3 and the other is 2. They are 15 months apart. I was an only child to a single mother with no financial support so she had to work and I had very little knowledge of child rearing. Thanks to the help of my church family I’m a little tougher with discipline. My husband tries to help but works ALOT to support us and I feel alone and frustrated. I try very hard to keep up but my mind wears out and I want to hide in my closet. I take meds for depression and anxiety and it helps some. They fight and wine constantly. My oldest is very strong willed and doesn’t do very well with change. It really sets him back.  My youngest would be pretty compliant but does everything his brother does. I’ve bought all of Dr. Dobson’s books but I barely have time to shower, much less read. I want to be a kind gentle mother and create peace in my home but I spend my time disciplining and overwhelmed. They are not content to play they want my attention constantly. The only way I get them to be quiet and still is to let them watch TV. I just want to gain control but I can’t seem to get ahead…I’m never caught up, and if I almost do something, I am knocked right back to where I started. Please help.

Signed,

Desperate Mom

_________________________________

Dear Desperate Mom,

Take a big deep breath. I understand what you are going through and it’s not easy! Battling depression and anxiety are hard enough but are especially challenging when you have two little ones underfoot. Here’s what I suggest you do.

First, you MUST figure out a way to get some alone time. I would like to see you ask someone like a high school student, family member or girlfriend take your kids for 2-3 hours two afternoons per week, to give you a break. That person can either come to your house or you can take your kids to theirs. You must be brave enough to tell a family member or friend that you need help, because you do. The best thing that you can do for your kids is to help yourself be a little happier and getting a break two times per week would do that. If you don’t start taking better are of yourself, you will have nothing to offer your kids. So please, get away from them for a few hours at least twice per week. When you are alone, go for a walk, sit in your room and pray, take a bath.  Anything that will help you relax.

Second, find one hour each afternoon and tell the boys that they have to stay in their rooms for quiet time. They will not want to do it at first, but they need quiet time too. They may be irritable because they are tired and are getting too much stimulation. So, make a time in the afternoon when they have to be in their rooms either napping or playing quietly. Have them listen to music, a story tape or anything quiet.

Third, hang on. This very hard stage will pass, I promise. You are in the worst of it right now. Your boys don’t hate each other, they’re just boys. Once they get in school and spend time apart, they will settle down. If you tell your self at the beginning of each day to just get through today and not worry about tomorrow (as scripture says) then you will begin to feel God’s strength.

Fourth, don’t feel like a bad Mom. When kids fight, we moms feel like we’re doing something terribly wrong and this isn’t true. Some kids just fight a lot! So continue to follow Dr. Dobson’s advice and over time, it will work. But remember, your boys won’t change in a month or two, but over years.

You will get through this but you need to be nicer to yourself. Keep praying, ask for help from friends or get someone else to help you for a while and you will get ahead. Try to do only what you really need to get done during the day. You will have more days than you’ll want to clean your house and catch up on chores when your boys are in school, so don’t worry about all of that stuff now. And remember, you are a better mom than you feel like because you are being really hard on yourself. You will raise Godly boys and you have about 16 more years with them to practice! So relax.

Blessings,

Dr. Meg

 

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Keeping First Things First

Boys need strong relationships with their parents. Period. Every boy, without exception, wants a better relationship with his mother and his father because his physical and emotional survival depends on you.

Boys spend far too little time with parents and they suffer because of it. And we all know it. In one survey, 21 percent of kids said that they needed more time with their parents. But when the parents of these kids were polled, only 8 percent responded that they needed more time with their children.23 We become so absorbed with keeping up with our daily lives that we miss seeing what our boys really need, which is simply more of us: our time and our attention.

In our earnestness to make up for lost time, to help our boys, we give them all the wrong things. But our boys ­don’t need things, they need us, even just being around us, watching how we handle life, how we talk, listen, help others, and make our decisions. Every son is his father’s apprentice, studying not his dad’s profession but his way of living, thinking, and behaving.

Boys need to see fathers who behave as good men so that they can mimic that behavior. They need to see men at work. They need men who set standards—and if you ­don’t give them standards to live by, they’ll pick them up where they find them: MySpace, YouTube, or the wrong kids at school. A father needs to give his son the model of a man to measure up to. That’s what a son wants from his dad; he wants to admire him and be like him. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a father, but that’s what being a dad is all about; and the good news is that all dad really needs to do is to be available for his sons; to share time with them and let them watch him and learn from him.

When Jason was ten he came in to see me for his annual physical. I have become so convinced of the central role that healthy parental relationships play in a child’s overall health, that I began asking questions about life with his father early on in his appointment.

“How’s your dad?” I asked as I peeked into his ear.

“Good,” he said, succinct as only ten-year-old boys can be.

“What do you like to do together?”

“Anything. Just stuff I guess. Problem is, dad’s got a new job and he’s really, really busy….”Jason’s voice grew quieter as his sentence trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I bet his new job is hard for you. I bet you miss him a lot.”

“Oh, he’s not gone. That’s the good part. He’s home more. But he’s just busy with his work while he’s at home. He’s on his laptop all the time. I hate it. So does my mom. She complains a lot. She ­shouldn’t, you know; he’s just doing what he needs to do.”

Then, in his wonderful boyish wisdom, Jason said something quite extraordinary.

“Here’s the thing: you know, Dr. Meeker, dad and I used to do a lot of chores outside when he was home. Like chop wood and stuff. He ­doesn’t have much time for that anymore but I guess it’s okay. The thing is, I can still be with him. When he goes into the living room to work on his computer, I go in too. I do my homework or read whenever he’s in there because, well, it just feels so good to be in the same room with my dad.”

That’s a ten-year-old boy who understands his dad has a very demanding job, and a dad who understands that letting his son sit with him as he works is one of the best things he could do for his son. What Jason needed from his father, he got. He had his presence. He worked alongside his father. They were, in a way, a team.

I can guarantee that nights doing homework beside his father made Jason a better student. Would their shared time have been more meaningful, more enriching, if his father had set his work aside and helped Jason do his homework or shot hoops with him in the driveway? Perhaps. But his father ­didn’t have much choice. Shooting baskets would certainly have been more fun, but the thing that matters is that Jason had his dad.

By the time their sons become teenagers, many parents feel intimidated at the prospect of spending time with them, or have unrealistic expectations about what that time requires. As a result, they often avoid their teen sons altogether, thinking they ­don’t need time with mom or dad any more. ­Don’t do this. Your teenage son needs you more now than he did when he was six. He just ­doesn’t want you to know it.

It’s also important that you ­don’t set yourself up to fail by treating time with your son as “teaching time” where you set him straight about his friends and his tastes. That almost always leads to nothing but frustration. So does expecting time with your sons to be consistently fun and light. Divorced fathers fall into this trap routinely. They want to create positive memories for their sons. They try too hard and when something inevitably goes wrong, or there is a conflict, life feels as though it is falling apart. But it ­isn’t. The reality is that stronger relationships are forged in painful times as well as joyful ones and parents must be willing to persevere. Stay with sons in the midst of battles. Resolve the battle, leave it behind, move forward, and create more enjoyment ahead.

The key thing is the simple thing: just resolve to spend more time with your sons, whether that time is filled with tension, argument, laughter, or silence. All of it is important. Nothing replaces life lived alongside of you, his mother or father, nothing. And ­don’t be fooled into believing that you can be substituted, because you ­can’t.

He ­doesn’t want you to buy him stuff, haul him to hockey games, or work longer hours to buy a nicer home (though he might try to convince you of all these things). He needs to see you smile when you are proud, see how you work through problems, and how you deal with tension and frustration. And most important, he needs to know that you will be there when he needs you. Once he knows this, the center of his world will feel tight and secure. Give him that security, and he will feel free to work hard at school, pay attention during his piano lessons, and enjoy all the good things that can be a part of boyhood.

Your son will also want you to teach him about God, and you should. It’s a fact of life that children and teenagers with a strong religious faith do better in school, are at less risk of dangerous behaviors, and are more likely to be happy and well-adjusted. It’s worth reiterating here that research has consistently shown that religion:

■     Helps kids stay away from drugs

■     Helps keep kids away from sexual activity

■     Helps keep kids away from smoking

■     Gives kids moral guidance

■     Gives them significantly higher self-esteem and more positive attitudes

■     Contributes to their growing maturity as they pass from childhood through adolescence

■     Helps them set boundaries and stay out of trouble

■     Helps teens keep a good perspective on life

■     Helps teens feel good and to be happy

■     Helps teens experience fewer depressive symptoms

■     Helps most teens get through their problems and troubles

■     Helps kids feel better about their bodies and physical appearance

■     Helps increase “learned competence” in leadership skills, coping skills and cultural capital

Some parents are uncomfortable with the subject of religion, but religious belief and practice is one of the best protections you can give your children. God matters to boys, as it matters to many people, because it provides an anchor, an ultimate authority to whom they can turn, a sense of purpose, a way to place themselves in the cosmos. As such, faith in God builds confidence, is a powerful guard against depression, and provides moral instruction. Having a moral framework is extremely important for boys. As we will discuss in later chapters, boys intuitively have a moral code. Even at age three boys know what is right and wrong. They gain security by having that moral code defended and enforced.

Spending time with your son and teaching him about God are two vital steps to putting first things first. But there’s one more. Your job as a parent also entails maintaining a stable home with a minimum of sibling rivalries. Of course, all boys fight with their siblings. Normal sibling rivalry is part of the maturation process and can actually strengthen a boy’s character. But whether it helps or harms him depends in large part on how his parents handle the rivalry. If mom or dad acknowledges it, deals with it in a simple, non-threatening way as normal competition, that’s one thing. But if parents fuel the competition between siblings or ignore it when a son is consistently bullied by his brother or chided by his sister, the results can be devastating. Your son ­shouldn’t have to compete for a place in your heart; his hold on you ­shouldn’t feel tenuous and frail. If it does, he ­won’t enjoy school, his playtime will suffer, and his personality will become more brittle and fragile.

Boys must learn how to negotiate healthy relationships within a family. This experience sets the ground rules for his future relationships. Boys who feel rejected by their siblings, grandparents, and parents, will expect to be rejected by others. But if they grow up in a family where there is mutual trust and respect, where they feel like they fit in, they will grow into confident young men. More important than succeeding at work is succeeding with your family. Of course, life is a balance between competing priorities, but mothers and fathers who want strong, healthy children should always put their family first.

Throughout a boy’s life, from preschool to high school, the most important things are keeping a healthy relationship with mom and dad, having faith in God, and having a solid family life. If we want to truly give our sons the best boyhood, the best preparation to become a man, this is it; these are the building blocks on which all else depends.

 

From Boys Should Be Boys

Dear Dr. Meg- Grandparent Woes

Dear Dr. Meg- Grandparent Woes

Dear Dr. Meg,

Our granddaughter is 8 years old and when both sets of grandparents
are together she openly hugs and prefers them to us.
How do we approach her to let her know how much this hurts us?

 

Dear Grandparent,

Motivating a child (especially one as young as 8 years old) by using guilt never works so don’t do this. Telling your granddaughter that your feelings get hurt when she shows favoritism to her other grandparents is not appropriate. The better question to ask yourself is: why does she prefer them to you? Are they more affectionate? Do they buy her more things? Sometimes parents play into children’s attitudes and talk more positively about one set of grandparents than the other and bias their children. Could her parents be doing this?

Here’s what I suggest that you do. Without getting into a competition with her other grandparents, work at winning her affections. Ask if you can take her alone for the day or night and spend more time with her. Do fun things with her like take her to the park, or go on a bike ride. Don’t fall into the trap of buying her things to win her favor. What she will respond to is genuine interest and affection. Let her know that you really enjoy her company and that she is the apple of your eye.

The other question (and this is a hard one) is to ask yourself if there is anything that you are doing that would turn her away? Are you critical of her or her parents? Or do you or her grandfather speak negatively when she’s around? Children are very sensitive to others’ moods and to criticism. They will quickly avoid those who are negative so you might want to take inventory regarding your own behavior.

The good news is that your granddaughter is young and you have time on your side. Reach out to her repeatedly. Finally, I would ask her mother or father (whichever you feel closest to) what you can do to help her. Don’t complain that you aren’t liked as much as the other set of grandparents, but simply tell the parent that you want a better relationship with her and ask for their help. I’m sure that he/she will have a lot of ideas.
Signed,

Dr. Meg

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