Read Chapter 4 “Say NO to Competition.”

We Mothers compare ourselves with others constantly.  Whether it’s the nicer dressed woman at kindergarten drop-off that never looks frazzled, the neighbor whose children are always perfectly dressed and well-mannered, or that woman with the perfect body at the gym. I’ve said it before and I do believe that we mothers feel more peer pressure than our kids do. We feel pressure to be “perfect” moms, raise better and smarter kids–all while excelling at our jobs.

Usually when we are jealous and want something that we don’t have, it’s because we are imagining what life would be like if we had the “thing,” but that vision isn’t necessarily the truth.  So, in a real sense, all of the jealousy remains a mind-set. We believe our imaginary thoughts, latch on to them, and feel insecure, determined to find the other’s secrets in order to find her treasure and ultimately feel less inadequate.

So, we turn on ourselves. Once we feel that we’re lacking, we begin to dislike who we are, which leaves us more needy and wanting.  This makes us miserable and it robs us of our joy.

CHALLENGE:

We must refuse to compete with our friends, acquaintances and even strangers. The first step is to think about what you are jealous of and admit it–out loud. My friend once admitted to me that she was jealous of a woman at the gym that worked out in a sports bra and had a stomach that was flat as a board. My friend knew she was irritated about this woman and her ugly feelings towards her wouldn’t go away until she admitted it out loud.

Think about that person (or people) that gets the green eyed monster stirring in you. Now, simply admit it, no matter how silly you feel. Tell it to your best friend or even your husband. Saying it out loud releases the power that the jealousy holds over us. It provides a some perspective and I guarantee that admitting it will make you feel like a load is off your shoulders.

Now, be generous with praise for others. That woman at the gym? Tell her she looks great. I know, that makes you cringe at the thought. But forcing yourself to say nice things, praise other mothers and encouraging each other whenever possible changes us. The jealousy will go away.

Next, focus on yourself.  Count your blessings and celebrate your achievements.  Write down your blessings and positive thought patterns will become more routine, more second nature.

Get off the competitive train, Moms.  Take the hard road and confront what makes you feel jealous, even if that doesn’t feel good at first. Rise above it.

I expect this week’s exercise will be a difficult one, Moms. Do you find yourself competing with others on a regular basis?

A very kind reader sent me this message and I wanted to share it with you:

Hi Dr. Meeker,

I channeled my “Inner Meeker” in a conversation I had this morning with my 14 year old daughter, and want to thank you! Last night she came down to show her mom and I her school outfit for tomorrow (today) which is a little habit I’m very happy with. Her jeans had some strategically placed holes
around the knees which I have no problem with…it was the larger hole on the upper thigh we did not like, and told her so. We had a controlled argument over who was right and who was wrong, and then she huffed away mumbling that we are restricting her ability to “find” herself, and to “express” herself.

Morning comes with my daughter still upset, giving me the silent treatment,but wearing different pants….I thought carefully about what to say because I did not want this to fester throughout the school day, and then I thought, “what would Meg Meeker tell me to do?” So I turned off the TV and calmly told my daughter that I am excited and thrilled that she wants to “express” herself, and now is a great time in your life to do this, but at the same time, it’s my job to instill in you a sense of self-respect,dignity, and modesty, and that those jeans were not appropriate. She did not reply and finished her breakfast. As we went about the morning rush, the silent treatment was over, and we had a nice conversation about other things on the drive to school. So I want to thank you for playing such a huge role in the raising of my TWO daughters, and I am constantly telling people about your books and to follow you on Facebook.

Name Witheld for Privacy

GREAT JOB, Dad!

Moms and Dads out there, have you ever had a moment like this? What did you do?

With three grown children out of college and one still in, I understand how frustrating the college experience can be from start to finish. First of all, the cost of a college education is exorbitant even if your child goes to a state or community school. The other frustration for many parents is that the child’s motivation and expectations don’t match the parent’s.

So what are conscientious parents to do? Are we to push, prod and remortgage our homes in order to get Sara and John through the best college possible?  I don’t think so.

First of all, when a child is a senior in college, most lack adult reasoning and understanding of the consequences of their decisions. That means that we need to run interference and make some hard choices. Try as you might, if your son isn’t ready to make good use of the money you put out or the scholarships that he gets to cover his tuition, I’d skip college
and make him work until he’s ready to commit. The truth is, many 18 year old boys just aren’t ready to take college seriously and I see a lot of parents waste precious money. Remember, many boys see life very differently at 24 than they do at 18.

Second, parents must ask serious questions about what is wise use of family funds, particularly if a child isn’t applying for scholarships. Is it fair to make the family tighten their belts so that Susie can go to the college of her choice? I don’t think so. The fairest way to handle college payment is to give each child an equal amount of money and then tell them that they
must find the rest of the money. This is not only wise money management and fair parenting, it motivates students to work harder. If they spend their hard earned money, you can bet they will be partying less on weekends.

So here’s what I recommend for all you parents who are sweating the decisions that some of your college bound kids are making.

1. Decide what you can afford and be very clear with your student before his senior year. If he applies to schools that you can’t afford, offer to help him wade through scholarship applications but make it very clear that he must find the money. Stick to your guns. If he doesn’t get the money, he will learn to work hard at a job for a year and reapply to more realistic schools the next year.
2. If you have money but feel that your student isn’t ready to go away, opt for a community college and have him live at home. Or, tell him that he must work for a year or two. Sometimes, giving him time to mature is the kindest gift you can give a student.
3. Skip the guilt. The truth is, 99% of students will get to the career they want regardless where they go to school. Many brilliant professionals came up throughout the ranks of small community colleges, not the Ivy League schools. And- some kids aren’t meant to go to college. Some are more adept at trades and other jobs and part of good parenting is recognizing where a child fits.

Read Chapter 3 “Value and Practice Faith”

Religion and spirituality is one of those things that you’re not supposed to talk about in polite company. It’s right up there with money and politics! But, Moms, if you know me, I’m not one to shy away from the hard topics.

I want you to value and practice faith in your life. In fact, I consider this to be the most important habit of happy moms.

Why do I feel this way?

Because I believe that if we keep our eyes focused on God, our hearts aligned with His and our wills in concert with the work that He has for us each day, the rest of our lives all fall into place. Life for us mothers works better with God at the center and the rest of the habits follow quite naturally. For instance, when we feel closer to God, we compete less with other mothers, we live out of strength rather than fear and we have an easier time simplifying our lives because we live with different priorities.

CHALLENGE:

This is your gentle invitation to start a conversation with yourself about God.  Start paying attention to the spiritual dimension of your life, praying about it if you feel called to do so, raising questions and seeking out the answers to them.   Don’t be afraid of religion and spirituality if you’ve never explored it before. Baby steps are better than no steps at all.

Tap into your heart of hearts and listen. That’s all.

If you’d like further reading on nurturing and fostering your spiritual side I’d recommend Richard Foster’s “Celebration of Discipline,” it’s a truly solid read.

Every day I talk to frustrated parents.  Most wonder what they can do to make their kids do what they want them to. From potty-training, to not talking back, to scoring better grades or getting into the right college, most parents agonize over their ability (or lack thereof) to influence their kids’ behaviors.

The million dollar question is: can we influence our kids in a meaningful, positive way? The answer is, yes. We- our personalities, humor, affection and speech- carry the greatest energy force when it comes to shaping the adults that our children become. As grown children, we understand this. We still hear our Dad’s tone of voice when he got angry when we were little or our mother’s comfort when we failed a test.

Our parents shaped our emotional constitution more potently than anyone else in our world when we were young.

But there’s another question which haunts us parents. (more…)

Read Chapter 2: “Maintain Key Friendships” from The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers

We moms need friends. Simple as that. We need other women that understand the rigors of being a mom who we can talk to when we’re feeling down and who we want to share life’s joys and celebrations with.  Every mother needs connections with women on different levels. We need an inner circle and outer circle of friends, if you will; women who satisfy our longing for emotional connection and others who provide us with comfort and affection on a lighter level.

Women comprising our inner circle are usually few in number. These are friends who can step into our kitchens at dinnertime and take over feeding our kids, put them to bed, and clean up the peanut butter on the floor and the jelly on the chairs when we suddenly fall apart from tragic news.

Moms, loving your friends and cultivating the kinds of friendships that buttress you up when life tries to beat you down takes work. Commit to doing the work because it is in your best interest. Loving friends extraordinarily means interrupting our work schedules when a friend is in crisis, speaking boldly in her defense when she needs you to be there, and being ready to step into her shoes if tragedy makes its way into her life and she for some reason can’t function at her normal level. Be there.

ASSIGNMENT:

Accept that cultivating your friendships takes work and commit to doing that work this week. Think of the two or three women in your life that mean the world to you. Pick up the phone—and no, don’t text your girlfriends–CALL THEM. Chat, even if you just have 5 minutes to catch up. Do whatever it takes to create a habit of touching base with these women—think of them as your tribe—weekly.  Create a calendar reminder, put it in your iPhone, place a sticky note on your fridge—anything that makes you stop and pick the phone to connect with these women that will mean so much to you over the years.

After you’ve completed this week’s exercise, make a mental note of how it made you feel to connect with your inner circle of friends. Now, go back and re-read the list you made last week and reflect on who you are as a mother and the friends that encircle you. Soak in those good feelings and know that you are loved.

Thanks to everyone that participated! I love hearing from all of you and read each and every comment that was left.

Without further ado, the random.org winner of my Vick’s giveaway contest is Emily V.! Emily, expect an email from us shortly! Congratulations!!!

Didn’t win? Don’t worry, I have more Vick’s goodies to give away this cold and flu season, so stay tuned.

THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED.

I’m so excited to be working with Vicks and helping them to talk to Moms and Dads in several cities about how to keep their kids (and themselves!) well this cold and flu season (To see if I’m coming to your city, see the post here).  The tremendously kind folks at Vicks have provided me with several products to give away here on my blog!

Here’s what I’m giving away:  

Vicks Behind the Ear Thermometer

Vicks Cool Moisture Starry Night Humidifier

Vicks GermFree Cool Mist Humidifier

The new Vicks Behind the Ear thermometer is a great way to quickly get an accurate reading for the whole family especially the sleeping baby or the wiggly toddler.  You just place it behind your child’s ear for a few seconds and the display will show you your child’s temp along with a green reading for a healthy reading or a red screen for a fever. It’s simple, quick and does the trick.

I’m also giving away a Vicks Cool Mist Starry Night Humidifier.  I’d love to hear about your child’s reaction to this–not only does it do the job of a traditional humidifier, but it projects stars and a moon on the ceiling!

Since I know it’s impossible to not get sick yourself when staying home with a sick child (or two or three!), Moms and Dads out there can use the Vicks GermFree Cool Mist humidifier themselves!

Here’s how to enter win:

Do one or ALL of the following:

1. Leave a comment here on the blog about how your family has been doing this cold and flu season.

2. Follow me on Twitter and Tweet about the contest to your followers

3. “Like” my page on Facebook and write a post on your wall to your friends. Encourage them to enter to win!

Each one of the above that you do gives you an extra chance to win. You must leave a separate comment here on the blog for each of the above actions that you complete to get the extra entry. Per day, each individual is limited to three possible entries to win!

The contest starts today, ends on Sunday at 9pm EST. The winner will be chosen by a random number generator on Monday, January 16th at 9:00 EST.

Day 1 of the Happy Mother Challenge

Read Chapter 1: “Understand your Value as a Mother” from The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers

I want you to feel good about yourself as a mother because you should. You should feel good about the job that you are doing because, if you are like most American moms, you are far too critical of the job you’re doing. I can see that being a great mom matters to you. You want to get it right and you assess your performance daily. What you need to know is that you assess your performance far more critically than your kids do—they just want YOU. Just as you are.

ASSIGNMENT:

Make a list. Yes, a list. But be serious about it. I know you have a list in your head about everything that you don’t do right. It’s a long list of every little failure and moment that you think you really messed up this Mom “job.”

I want you to make an actual, physical list of things that you are really GOOD at and what you LIKE about yourself, just as you are. Write down what you are, what you like, what you dream about, what makes you happy, what you’re good at, etc. A Happy List. A Positive List. Now, take that list and put it in your wallet. Take it out when you’re having a tough day and read through it when those negative thoughts embed themselves in your mind. Remember that you have value and you are good. Just as you are.

After you’ve completed the exercise, come back and leave a comment.  Was it hard to make the list? What did you learn about yourself?

Two video clips have recently surfaced on Youtube and national night time shows and are lauded as hysterically funny. One involves parents filming their children after they pretended to eat all of their child’s Halloween candy and another shows children being filmed after receiving bad Christmas gifts. Both have both become wildly popular- particularly with young singles who don’t have kids.

Humor has long revolved around seeing others get hurt. There is something funny about watching a friend trip and fall or a grown man fall backwards off of a swing. Another’s pain brings out peculiar feelings in us all. That’s why watching children who are teased seem almost funny. But there are enormous differences between accidental and inflicted pain.

First, these videos of children show inflicted pain. These are children who are used for the purpose of another’s “pleasure” and the viewer knows that the children are being set up. Second, teasing is involved. Whenever teasing occurs, there is a spirit of meanness disguised as humor. Most will argue that teasing is legitimate, but when I talk to children, I hear otherwise. I think that it is important to hear their side of the story since they are the ones who aren’t laughing.

When a parent teases a child, the child initially feels hurt. Then, the child feels that he has been betrayed (duped) and understands that he can’t trust the parent who is doing the teasing. So, by the time the child realizes that the teasing is for the purpose of humor, he doesn’t feel like laughing.

No one likes being teased- ever. Adults may nervously laugh after they have been teased, but even they feel humiliated beneath the laughter. Make the author of the teasing a parent of a small child and nothing feels even remotely good to the child.

Is it ever OK for a parent to tease a child? Not in my book. So let’s help these little ones out and speak out against the mean videos.

What do you think about these videos? Let me hear your thoughts.